In the locker hallway, Raven and Chelsea stand together as crowds of people rush by. They stop Eddie as he passes.
Chelsea: Hey, Eddie where's everyone going?
Eddie: Oh, to the cafeteria.
Raven: Our cafeteria? (slight laughter) People are normally running away from that place.
Eddie: Yeah...well I heard some new company's taken over our whole school lunch program.
Chelsea: Hey, I bet it's because of my letters! I wrote to the school board and I asked them to serve us healthier foods. I also asked for solar-powered pencil sharpeners, um, rubber animals for the science lab, and...herbal soap for the locker rooms. Or was that my letter to Santa?
Eddie: Can we just get to the cafeteria please!
They continue onto the cafeteria, to find that it is now full of fast-food traders.
Chelsea: Huh, what is all this?
Eddie: I'll tell you what it is.
They lights are dimmed off, and a spotlight shines on the particular merchant as they are spoken by a heartened Raven:
Raven: Miles of Meat...Chicken Chunkies...Crispy Town...Sugarville Express...it's paradise!
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Raven, Eddie and Chelsea pace to the front of the food court – standing opposite a large desk sectioned against the wall.
Eddie: Man, a food court in school? This is just like being at the mall, ya'll!
Raven: Man, if they put a shoe stall in the gym I may never go home.
Chelsea: But come on you guys, it's all junk food.
Eddie: I know, Chels! That was my letter to Santa.
A fanfare sounds, as the desk is pushed forward and Harold, the guard marches to the front.
Harold: Welcome to the new Bayside Food Court, the honourable Judge Foodie presiding, all fries.
Judge Foodie takes the seat at the desk as the students stand from their seat.
Judge Foodie: This food court is now in session. And thanks to your good friends at Transinfinity Farms, I hereby rule that lunch time is now fun time! (loud applause from the students; Chelsea looks disturbed) Now remember kids, that this is a trial program, and you are the jury. And in two weeks, you will get to vote on whether or not the food court stays in session.
Raven: Well I'm sure we all came to a verdict when I say, let's eat!
The students cheer her on, but Chelsea cuts it all off.
Chelsea: I OBJECT!
Depressed sighs from the students sound.
Raven: Oh, man, Chels! What now.
Chelsea: Well I am sorry, but I don't see any healthy choices.
Judge Foodie: Well, that's because you haven't seen our nutritious salad crispies!
She hands Chelsea a plate of crisipies which is covered by a sheet of deep fried lettuce.
Chelsea: Um – this lettuce is deep fried.
Judge Foodie: But, you admit, it's lettuce.
Chelsea: Well, yeah, but –
Judge Foodie (cutting Chelsea off): Case closed! Now, will everyone place their orders in the court!
Raven: CHICKEN CHUNKIES!
The students all run to their selected destinations, and Chelsea watches them with a worried expression on her face.
***
Cory is on the phone in his room as Tanya enters.
Cory (on phone): No, no. Sorry William, no can do. My schedules jammed. You're going to have to play catch, by yourself. Alright, bye.
Tanya: Cory, honey, I know you're busy, but have you made time for your homework?
Cory: Homework? Mom, I barely have time to play catch with William.
Tanya: Cory, I hate to nag, but here it comes – did you forget about your history assignment on the gold rush? It's due in just a few days.
Cory: Oh, no, I didn't forget. It's on my things to remember list...now, if I could just remember where I put that...
Tanya: Cory, you've got too many things going on, you have to set your priorities straight, get organized.
Cory's phone rings.
Cory: Hold on, mom. Hold that thought, it's Tokyo.
Tanya: Tokyo, the city? In Japan?
Cory: Yeah, you know, I got the hook-up on a new game ball game – Extreme Golf Attack, 22.
Cory answers the phone and greets the person on the other end in Japanese.
***
Back at school, in the food court, Eddie brings his plate over to the table and joins Chelsea. Chelsea has her own packed lunch with fruit.
Eddie: Thank you Judge Foodie for making this the best week of my life! Hey Chels, check out my maxi-sized onion ring! (holds it to his head)
Chelsea: Eddie, come on, that onion must've been bigger than your head.
Eddie: Yeah!
Raven sits down with her tray. She has a giant hot dog on hers.
Chelsea: Rae, what are you eating?
Raven: Well, I maxi-sized my hot dog. Why have a foot long when you can have a yard long?
Chelsea: Argh, because no human should have a yard of anything.
Raven: Aargh, Argh, Chels! Look at this. This is three feet of weeniry goodness!
She drizzles the mustard across the Frankfurt inside the oversized bun, looking down on it dreamily. Eddie sits at the end staring at it with the same dreaminess evident on his face. Raven's eyes widen as she goes to bite into it from the left end – but then decides to go from them right end – finally deciding to bite in from the middle.
Eddie: Oh, man, my pants are getting a little tight. They must've shrunk in the wash or something.
Chelsea: Wait a minute, you just bought those, did you even wash them yet?
Eddie: No...they must have shrunk in the bag.
Harold: All fries, for Judge Foodie. The food court is now in session.
Judge Foodie (spins around at the desk): Is everyone loving our delicious Transinfinity Farms lunches?
The students cheer, besides Chelsea.
Judge Foodie: Well, because you find our lunches so appealing, I sentence you all to our now breakfast program. (Harold places a plate of pancakes garnished with chocolate sauce on Raven's table. A flag is sticking out of the top) Start your day with exhibit A! Chocolate-chip, chocolate-chunk pancakes with fudge flavoured sauce.
Chelsea: Wait a minute you guys, come on, we can't have dessert for breakfast.
Raven: Hey, hey, hey! (taps the table with spoon) The judge said we can! (cheeky smile as she digs down into the pancakes)
***
Cory is in his room, reviewing a resume. Beside him is sitting a man in his mid-20's.
Cory: Impressive resume.
Brad: Thank you. I majored in economics but I felt the minor in international banking would give me a competitive edge. (Victor, soon followed by Tanya, enter)
Cory: Son, I like the way you think.
Victor: Son, what's going on?
Brad (stands): Aargh, excuse me sir, but unless you have an appointment Mr Baxter is not available.
Victor inhales as he turns to exit, but then goes back.
Victor: Oh, wait a minute, I am Mr Baxter, this is Mrs Baxter! And who are you?
Cory: Mom, dad, say hello to Brad. I'm about to make him my new executive assistant.
Brad: Oh, I got the job! (puts down his case) Oh, thank you sir, I won't let you down. (shakes hands with Cory)
Victor (shakes hands with Brad): Congratulations...now get out!
Brad looks over at Cory.
Cory: Give us a minute, Brad.
Brad smiles and walks out.
Tanya: Cory, you are a child. Children do not have assistants.
Cory: Mom, you told me to get organized. That's what Brad does.
Victor: Cory, forget it. We are not going to pay some guy to schedule your play dates.
Cory: You don't have too. I'm going to pay him with my own money.
Victor: Oh, really...so how much does this job pay?
Tanya: Victor, you are not working for Cory!
***
Chelsea, Eddie and Raven walk into Raven's house through the front door.
Chelsea: I cannot believe you guys got F's on your maths test.
Eddie (tired): For your information I got a F+.
Raven and Eddie sit down tiredly on the couch.
Chelsea: What is happening to you guys?
Eddie: Hey, relax, Chels, OK. Have a porta pie. (takes a bag from his backpack)
Chelsea: The food court has take out now?
Eddie: Yeah! I got a jelly bean and a sausage. (feels through bag) Well argh, actually, I ate the jelly bean. (pause)...I ate the sausage too.
Raven: Don't worry Chels, we can study, with the new study snack pack. See, I got a pencil, a ruler, and six deep fried mozzarella sticks! (takes items from bag)
Chelsea: Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Raven: Huh?
Chelsea (smells ruler): This isn't a ruler, this is beef jerky with numbers on it!
Eddie and Raven argue for the beef ruler.
Raven (as Eddie ad-limbs): Don't touch my jerky! Get off my jerky!
Chelsea (ashamed): Look at you two, fighting over a beef ruler. We should go outside, you know. We should, we should get some fresh air, exercise.
Raven and Eddie look lazily over at the front door.
Raven: Oohh...that's too far.
Chelsea: Don't you guys see what this food is doing to you?
Raven inhales tiredly and struggles to get up from her seat.
Raven (through deep breaths): Like what? Trust me Chels, nothing is wrong with us, or this delicious food.
Raven turns away as she finds herself transfixed in a vision...
In her vision, she is in the school corridor watching Eddie and a group of friends walk by pigging out on junk food from the cafeteria.
Eddie: Hey, Rae.
As they walk upstairs, Raven sees in her vision that they have abnormally sized buts. Raven sees in the reflection of the classroom door that she too has an abnormally sized but – and as she tries to shake it some sequins fall off the back of her pants.
Cuts back to the present, Eddie is now half-asleep on the couch as Raven paces in a rushed panic.
Raven: Oh, I saw the future, and it was HUGE, it was like attack of the giant booties.
Chelsea: Really? W...what did you see?
Raven: The whole school was getting fat Chels, I'm talking about a lot of junk in the trunk, homie.
Chelsea: See, Rae, see now that could be your future if you keep eating at the food court!
Raven: You're right, Chels, I'm done with the food court. Starting with these cheese sticks.
Eddie wakes up from his sleep as Raven puts the food onto the coffee table.
Eddie (reaching out from couch; dreamily): Hmmm...cheese sticks...
With his eyes barely opened, he takes a bite from the cheese stick and the cheese stretches as it melts out from the middle.
Raven: Something must be done.
***
Raven and Chelsea are standing in the locker hallway watching others as they walk by with food from the cafeteria.
Chelsea: Rae, this is unbelievable! Come on, lunch period ended two hours ago and they're still 'packing it in!
Raven: These people don't know what that food is going to do to them. Somebody's 'gotta speak the truth. (calls) People, people! Listen to me, please listen to me. Put down the pies! Do not maximize. You 'got to exercise! Or the scales will rise, and so will your thighs!
Eddie (V/O calling): Who wants some fries?
The students run over and watch Eddie as fries come pouring out of a vending machine into a cup. Eddie has a face full of zits.
Raven: Hall fries?
Eddie: Yeah, isn't this great! Now snack time is anytime.
Raven: What's up with your face, 'you breaking out?
Eddie: It's just a couple of zits Rae, OK.
Raven: Oh, well homie, those zits called a couple more zits and now they're having a zit soiree.
Eddie (waving a fry in their face): Y'all sound ridiculous! I can stop eating anytime I want, OK.
Chelsea and Raven follow Eddie to his locker, when a food bag falls out.
Raven: Eddie!
Eddie's locker is revealed to be full of fast food items. He holds his hands up innocently.
Eddie: Hey, it's not mine, I'm holding it for a friend. (snatches the bag from Raven and closes his locker) A brother's got to eat.
As he walks off, Raven turns away into a vision...
The food court – Judge Foodie is talking onto the phone.
Judge Foodie: They voted yes. Now we're going to get our food into all the schools! We're going to make zillions! (laughter)
Cuts back to the present.
Chelsea: What'd you see?
Raven: Oh, my goodness, Chels. If this school votes yes to the food court, then Transinfinity Farms' is gonna put food courts into all schools.
Chelsea: No, no! We have to stop them.
Raven: Yeah, but how?
***
Cory is sitting on his chair in his room playing a loud hand-game. Brad is sitting at a small desk beside Cory, as his phone rings.
Brad: Cory Baxter Enterprises, Brad speaking. Argh, please hold. (to Cory) It's William, he wants his game back.
Cory: Tell him, that...I'm in a meeting.
Brad (into phone): He's in a meeting. (to Cory) He says he can hear it.
Cory: Handle it, Brad!
Brad (onto phone): He's...and you're...(crackling, hangs phone up)
Cory: Nice work.
Brad: Anything else?
Cory jumps up from his desk seat and starts pacing; Brad takes notes.
Cory: Oh, I have a report about the gold rush due tomorrow. It's worth about half my grade, so I was thinking, what...10 pages, pictures...hey, maybe even paint a rock gold. You know. Whoaw me.
Brad: Aargh, argh sir…I'm not very comfortable with that.
Cory: OK, you can do it at my desk.
Brad: No, no, I just meant...(stands)...see, I think homework should be your responsibility.
Cory: You just 'think'? OK, let's review your resume...(goes and gets the resume from his desk)...computer skills...fluent in French and Spanish...racquet ball? I don't see anything here about thinking!
Brad: I'm...I'm just saying, that education is very important, and well...if I do your homework, you won't do anything.
Cory: Listen, I didn't hire you to give me a lecture. (Victor and Tanya walk in) I got parents for that and they don't cost me a dime!
Victor: Excuse me?
Cory (turns away guiltily): Mother, father...I was just telling Brad here, how much your wisdom inspires me.
Brad: And I was just telling Cory, I quit.
Cory: Brad, buddy...you can't quit on me.
Brad: Sure I can! It's...It's one of my special skills.
Brad walks out, and Cory calls after him.
Cory: Come on, Brad. I mean, who's going to answer my phone? Who's going to do my chores? Who's 'gonna finish that report? (turns to his parents) Ya'll didn't here that last part, did you?
Tanya: Cory, you asked Brad to do your report on the gold rush?
Cory: I guess ya'll did hear it.
Tanya: Cory, it's due tomorrow. You were supposed to be working on it all week, now what are you going to do?
Cory: Hey, dad...argh, still interested in that job? I, argh...got an opening.
Tanya: Cory, get to work.
Cory: Yes, ma'am.
He sits down at his desk, and Tanya starts to go for the door.
Tanya: Come on Victor.
Victor stays looking at the desk for a while, Tanya stands waiting at the door.
Tanya: Victor?
Victor: Couldn't I just ask him how much the job pays?
Tanya signals with a wave of her hand for him to follow her along.
***
At the food court.
Harold: The food court is now in session, all fries for Judge Foodie.
As the students file in, Judge Foodie takes her place at the desk.
Judge Foodie (bangs hammer and they sit): Students. Are you ready to reach a verdict?
Eddie (through mouthful of food): Yes we are, your honour.
Judge Foodie: Now, I am sure you are all going to vote yes, to making the Transinifinty Farms food court your school's official nutritional provider. But, before we can celebrate, I'm supposed to ask if anybody objects. So, if there are any cooks, haters or weirdos out there who are apposed, speak up now. (pause; bangs hammer) Alright then! All in favour.
Raven and Chelsea come running to the front with a cart.
Raven: Hey, we object!
Judge Foodie: Seriously?
Raven: Yes. And before you guys vote there's a few things you need to know about the food court.
Judge Foodie: Oh, like how delicious our new cheese pump chicken chunkies taste?
Chelsea: No, like what's actually in your food.
Raven: Yeah, and what it's doing to us.
Chelsea: Yeah.
Judge Foodie (through laughter): What it's doing is making everybody happy.
Chelsea and Raven share a glare.
Judge Foodie (to the students): How many of you feel good when you eat food court food?
The student body all raise their hands; ad-liming comments like 'yeah'.
Raven: Yeah, but how many of you feel sluggish and weak a few minutes later?
Again, they all raise their hands.
Chelsea: Yeah, and how many of you think your pants are shrinking? (the students raise their hands) Yeah, they're not.
Raven: And how many of you think your faces are breaking out? (they raise their hands again)
Chelsea: Yeah, they are.
Eddie (joins them): Yeah, guys, but the food tastes so good!
Raven: Yeah, see now that's the thing. We did a little research.
Judge Foodie: Research? That sounds like school. Do you kids want to learn or eat?
Eddie: With all due respect, these are my friends and I'd like to hear what they have to say...then we can go eat. (sits back down)
Raven: Well, since we're in the food court, we might as well present the evidence. (Chelsea rolls the cart over) First and foremost, Transinifinty Farm is not even a farm. (holds up a photograph) It's a factory!
Judge Foodie: Oh that...well, that's just what farms look like nowadays. Yeah, we keep the sun out, to keep the freshness in.
Raven: Well, we took a couple of samples of the food and took them to the science lab, and this is what we got back. Here, is what a typical student has put in their body, since the food court has been in session. This much salt –
Chelsea: Exhibit A.
Chelsea takes a sheet off that is covering a bag of salt. The students' 'ohh' when they see this. Chelsea waves it around with a smile.
Raven: This much sugar.
Chelsea: Exhibit B.
Again Chelsea takes off a sheet to reveal a bag full of sugar, even bigger than the bag of salt. The students gasp in shock when Chelsea struggles to pick it up.
Raven: And this much fat...
Chelsea: Exhibit ...
Chelsea takes the sheet off to reveal an oversized bag of fat. She struggles to pick it up again, the students gasp.
Judge Foodie: Alright, I think we have seen enough – all in favour...
Eddie (jumps up): Of here what my home girls got to say, put ya'll hands up!
The students all put their hands up. Raven squeals over to Chelsea.
Raven: Oh, Chels, they're liking it. Time for our big finish!
Chelsea: OK, I'm on it.
Raven walks over and takes a hand to stand up on a table.
Raven: Thank you...All that salt, sugar and fat, makes our bodies want more salt, sugar and fat.
Judge Foodie: BORING!
Chelsea comes in with a helium tank.
Raven: And when we eat more we make it bigger and bigger.
On Raven's hand gesture, Chelsea starts pumping the helium into Raven's clothing.
Raven: You can eat junk food once in a while, but if you eat it all the time it can make you seriously sick!
Judge Foodie takes out her phone and rings someone.
Judge Foodie (on the phone): The kids are onto us, this is a disaster! This is 'gonna cost us zillions!
Raven: But, you have the power to vote no, and make it stop!
As Chelsea goes to turn the handle, it pops off.
Chelsea: Oh, now, that can't be good.
Raven: Chelsea, Chelsea, make it stop! To the right, to the right!
Chelsea: OK, Rae, but I don't really think it's going to work.
Chelsea turns the unconnected handle to the right. Raven starts to float into the air because of all the helium she now carries.
Raven: Chelsea! Chelsea, help!
Chelsea: Rae, you stop floating and down here right now. OK?
Chelsea pulls at the connection cord and it falls out of Raven's leg – and as the helium comes flying out, Raven is sent flying madly around the room in a mass of destruction, knocking signs and all over.
Raven (screaming): SOMEBODY HELP ME!! AARGHH!
Eventually, the helium runs out, and Raven comes flying down on top of Judge Foodie. Juge Foodie is knocked over, Raven stands up, her hair a mess.
Raven: I'm OK, I'm OK.
Raven helps Judge Foodie up.
Raven: Hey, how you doing. (goes to fix up Judge Foodie's hair)
Eddie: Judge Foodie – I find you guilty, of giving us food that's bad for us!
Raven: Food court! (bangs hammer down on table 3 times) Gotta go!
The students cheer on, as Harold takes his place in front of the desk again.
Harold: All fries, the food court is out of session.
Judge Foodie: Oh, Harold, just drop it!
Harold: Yeah, whatever...
As the students and the officials file away, Raven, Chelsea and Eddie stand together at the front.
Eddie: Well guys, I guess it's back to Mystery Meat Monday.
Raven: Why, why? I mean, isn't it possible to have good food that's also good for you?
Chelsea: Right on, Rae! Hey, all in favour, of organically grown macro-biotic, vegetarian...
Raven (cutting her off): Now you're just trippin' Chels.
Chelsea: Well, how about a salad bar and some normal sized veggie burgers?
Raven: Chels, that – that actually sounds pretty good.
She smiles, and the three of them walk out.
***
Victor and Tanya are sitting on the couch, and switch off the television as they hear Cory approaching from downstairs.
Victor: Hey, wasn't Cory supposed to get his gold rush project back today?
Cory quickly turns to go back upstairs, but Tanya turns to him.
Tanya: Hold up there, mister.
Cory: Oh, hey guys. OK, before I tell you what grade I got, remember – I did the whole thing, in one night...with no help.
Tanya and Victor look suspiciously at each other.
Victor/Tanya: D.
Cory: Man, you guys are good.
Victor: Well at least you did it by yourself.
Cory: Yeah, with no help from Brad.
Tanya: Oh, speaking of Brad, he called before.
Cory: Oh, really. Does he want to come back to work?
Tanya: No, he said to watch the Yolanda Jenkins Show, at 4.00.
Victor switches the TV back on.
Yolanda: Welcome back. We're talking to former assistants about their abusive bosses.
The camera turns to reveal Harold, from the food court.
Harold: Judge Foodie. She wasn't even a real judge.
Brad: Yeah? At least your boss wasn't a 12 year old monster!
Yolanda: That must've been terrible.
Brad: Yes. I'm writing a book about it but argh, so far all I have is the cover. (takes a book from the table) My week...with the beast!
On the front cover there is a picture of Cory pointing out with a sinister glare on his face. It cuts back to the Baxter living room.
Cory: Hey on the plus side, you know that's a pretty good picture of me. (he strikes the pose as seen on the book cover)
END CREDITS
Chelsea: Hey, Eddie where's everyone going?
Eddie: Oh, to the cafeteria.
Raven: Our cafeteria? (slight laughter) People are normally running away from that place.
Eddie: Yeah...well I heard some new company's taken over our whole school lunch program.
Chelsea: Hey, I bet it's because of my letters! I wrote to the school board and I asked them to serve us healthier foods. I also asked for solar-powered pencil sharpeners, um, rubber animals for the science lab, and...herbal soap for the locker rooms. Or was that my letter to Santa?
Eddie: Can we just get to the cafeteria please!
They continue onto the cafeteria, to find that it is now full of fast-food traders.
Chelsea: Huh, what is all this?
Eddie: I'll tell you what it is.
They lights are dimmed off, and a spotlight shines on the particular merchant as they are spoken by a heartened Raven:
Raven: Miles of Meat...Chicken Chunkies...Crispy Town...Sugarville Express...it's paradise!
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Raven, Eddie and Chelsea pace to the front of the food court – standing opposite a large desk sectioned against the wall.
Eddie: Man, a food court in school? This is just like being at the mall, ya'll!
Raven: Man, if they put a shoe stall in the gym I may never go home.
Chelsea: But come on you guys, it's all junk food.
Eddie: I know, Chels! That was my letter to Santa.
A fanfare sounds, as the desk is pushed forward and Harold, the guard marches to the front.
Harold: Welcome to the new Bayside Food Court, the honourable Judge Foodie presiding, all fries.
Judge Foodie takes the seat at the desk as the students stand from their seat.
Judge Foodie: This food court is now in session. And thanks to your good friends at Transinfinity Farms, I hereby rule that lunch time is now fun time! (loud applause from the students; Chelsea looks disturbed) Now remember kids, that this is a trial program, and you are the jury. And in two weeks, you will get to vote on whether or not the food court stays in session.
Raven: Well I'm sure we all came to a verdict when I say, let's eat!
The students cheer her on, but Chelsea cuts it all off.
Chelsea: I OBJECT!
Depressed sighs from the students sound.
Raven: Oh, man, Chels! What now.
Chelsea: Well I am sorry, but I don't see any healthy choices.
Judge Foodie: Well, that's because you haven't seen our nutritious salad crispies!
She hands Chelsea a plate of crisipies which is covered by a sheet of deep fried lettuce.
Chelsea: Um – this lettuce is deep fried.
Judge Foodie: But, you admit, it's lettuce.
Chelsea: Well, yeah, but –
Judge Foodie (cutting Chelsea off): Case closed! Now, will everyone place their orders in the court!
Raven: CHICKEN CHUNKIES!
The students all run to their selected destinations, and Chelsea watches them with a worried expression on her face.
***
Cory is on the phone in his room as Tanya enters.
Cory (on phone): No, no. Sorry William, no can do. My schedules jammed. You're going to have to play catch, by yourself. Alright, bye.
Tanya: Cory, honey, I know you're busy, but have you made time for your homework?
Cory: Homework? Mom, I barely have time to play catch with William.
Tanya: Cory, I hate to nag, but here it comes – did you forget about your history assignment on the gold rush? It's due in just a few days.
Cory: Oh, no, I didn't forget. It's on my things to remember list...now, if I could just remember where I put that...
Tanya: Cory, you've got too many things going on, you have to set your priorities straight, get organized.
Cory's phone rings.
Cory: Hold on, mom. Hold that thought, it's Tokyo.
Tanya: Tokyo, the city? In Japan?
Cory: Yeah, you know, I got the hook-up on a new game ball game – Extreme Golf Attack, 22.
Cory answers the phone and greets the person on the other end in Japanese.
***
Back at school, in the food court, Eddie brings his plate over to the table and joins Chelsea. Chelsea has her own packed lunch with fruit.
Eddie: Thank you Judge Foodie for making this the best week of my life! Hey Chels, check out my maxi-sized onion ring! (holds it to his head)
Chelsea: Eddie, come on, that onion must've been bigger than your head.
Eddie: Yeah!
Raven sits down with her tray. She has a giant hot dog on hers.
Chelsea: Rae, what are you eating?
Raven: Well, I maxi-sized my hot dog. Why have a foot long when you can have a yard long?
Chelsea: Argh, because no human should have a yard of anything.
Raven: Aargh, Argh, Chels! Look at this. This is three feet of weeniry goodness!
She drizzles the mustard across the Frankfurt inside the oversized bun, looking down on it dreamily. Eddie sits at the end staring at it with the same dreaminess evident on his face. Raven's eyes widen as she goes to bite into it from the left end – but then decides to go from them right end – finally deciding to bite in from the middle.
Eddie: Oh, man, my pants are getting a little tight. They must've shrunk in the wash or something.
Chelsea: Wait a minute, you just bought those, did you even wash them yet?
Eddie: No...they must have shrunk in the bag.
Harold: All fries, for Judge Foodie. The food court is now in session.
Judge Foodie (spins around at the desk): Is everyone loving our delicious Transinfinity Farms lunches?
The students cheer, besides Chelsea.
Judge Foodie: Well, because you find our lunches so appealing, I sentence you all to our now breakfast program. (Harold places a plate of pancakes garnished with chocolate sauce on Raven's table. A flag is sticking out of the top) Start your day with exhibit A! Chocolate-chip, chocolate-chunk pancakes with fudge flavoured sauce.
Chelsea: Wait a minute you guys, come on, we can't have dessert for breakfast.
Raven: Hey, hey, hey! (taps the table with spoon) The judge said we can! (cheeky smile as she digs down into the pancakes)
***
Cory is in his room, reviewing a resume. Beside him is sitting a man in his mid-20's.
Cory: Impressive resume.
Brad: Thank you. I majored in economics but I felt the minor in international banking would give me a competitive edge. (Victor, soon followed by Tanya, enter)
Cory: Son, I like the way you think.
Victor: Son, what's going on?
Brad (stands): Aargh, excuse me sir, but unless you have an appointment Mr Baxter is not available.
Victor inhales as he turns to exit, but then goes back.
Victor: Oh, wait a minute, I am Mr Baxter, this is Mrs Baxter! And who are you?
Cory: Mom, dad, say hello to Brad. I'm about to make him my new executive assistant.
Brad: Oh, I got the job! (puts down his case) Oh, thank you sir, I won't let you down. (shakes hands with Cory)
Victor (shakes hands with Brad): Congratulations...now get out!
Brad looks over at Cory.
Cory: Give us a minute, Brad.
Brad smiles and walks out.
Tanya: Cory, you are a child. Children do not have assistants.
Cory: Mom, you told me to get organized. That's what Brad does.
Victor: Cory, forget it. We are not going to pay some guy to schedule your play dates.
Cory: You don't have too. I'm going to pay him with my own money.
Victor: Oh, really...so how much does this job pay?
Tanya: Victor, you are not working for Cory!
***
Chelsea, Eddie and Raven walk into Raven's house through the front door.
Chelsea: I cannot believe you guys got F's on your maths test.
Eddie (tired): For your information I got a F+.
Raven and Eddie sit down tiredly on the couch.
Chelsea: What is happening to you guys?
Eddie: Hey, relax, Chels, OK. Have a porta pie. (takes a bag from his backpack)
Chelsea: The food court has take out now?
Eddie: Yeah! I got a jelly bean and a sausage. (feels through bag) Well argh, actually, I ate the jelly bean. (pause)...I ate the sausage too.
Raven: Don't worry Chels, we can study, with the new study snack pack. See, I got a pencil, a ruler, and six deep fried mozzarella sticks! (takes items from bag)
Chelsea: Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Raven: Huh?
Chelsea (smells ruler): This isn't a ruler, this is beef jerky with numbers on it!
Eddie and Raven argue for the beef ruler.
Raven (as Eddie ad-limbs): Don't touch my jerky! Get off my jerky!
Chelsea (ashamed): Look at you two, fighting over a beef ruler. We should go outside, you know. We should, we should get some fresh air, exercise.
Raven and Eddie look lazily over at the front door.
Raven: Oohh...that's too far.
Chelsea: Don't you guys see what this food is doing to you?
Raven inhales tiredly and struggles to get up from her seat.
Raven (through deep breaths): Like what? Trust me Chels, nothing is wrong with us, or this delicious food.
Raven turns away as she finds herself transfixed in a vision...
In her vision, she is in the school corridor watching Eddie and a group of friends walk by pigging out on junk food from the cafeteria.
Eddie: Hey, Rae.
As they walk upstairs, Raven sees in her vision that they have abnormally sized buts. Raven sees in the reflection of the classroom door that she too has an abnormally sized but – and as she tries to shake it some sequins fall off the back of her pants.
Cuts back to the present, Eddie is now half-asleep on the couch as Raven paces in a rushed panic.
Raven: Oh, I saw the future, and it was HUGE, it was like attack of the giant booties.
Chelsea: Really? W...what did you see?
Raven: The whole school was getting fat Chels, I'm talking about a lot of junk in the trunk, homie.
Chelsea: See, Rae, see now that could be your future if you keep eating at the food court!
Raven: You're right, Chels, I'm done with the food court. Starting with these cheese sticks.
Eddie wakes up from his sleep as Raven puts the food onto the coffee table.
Eddie (reaching out from couch; dreamily): Hmmm...cheese sticks...
With his eyes barely opened, he takes a bite from the cheese stick and the cheese stretches as it melts out from the middle.
Raven: Something must be done.
***
Raven and Chelsea are standing in the locker hallway watching others as they walk by with food from the cafeteria.
Chelsea: Rae, this is unbelievable! Come on, lunch period ended two hours ago and they're still 'packing it in!
Raven: These people don't know what that food is going to do to them. Somebody's 'gotta speak the truth. (calls) People, people! Listen to me, please listen to me. Put down the pies! Do not maximize. You 'got to exercise! Or the scales will rise, and so will your thighs!
Eddie (V/O calling): Who wants some fries?
The students run over and watch Eddie as fries come pouring out of a vending machine into a cup. Eddie has a face full of zits.
Raven: Hall fries?
Eddie: Yeah, isn't this great! Now snack time is anytime.
Raven: What's up with your face, 'you breaking out?
Eddie: It's just a couple of zits Rae, OK.
Raven: Oh, well homie, those zits called a couple more zits and now they're having a zit soiree.
Eddie (waving a fry in their face): Y'all sound ridiculous! I can stop eating anytime I want, OK.
Chelsea and Raven follow Eddie to his locker, when a food bag falls out.
Raven: Eddie!
Eddie's locker is revealed to be full of fast food items. He holds his hands up innocently.
Eddie: Hey, it's not mine, I'm holding it for a friend. (snatches the bag from Raven and closes his locker) A brother's got to eat.
As he walks off, Raven turns away into a vision...
The food court – Judge Foodie is talking onto the phone.
Judge Foodie: They voted yes. Now we're going to get our food into all the schools! We're going to make zillions! (laughter)
Cuts back to the present.
Chelsea: What'd you see?
Raven: Oh, my goodness, Chels. If this school votes yes to the food court, then Transinfinity Farms' is gonna put food courts into all schools.
Chelsea: No, no! We have to stop them.
Raven: Yeah, but how?
***
Cory is sitting on his chair in his room playing a loud hand-game. Brad is sitting at a small desk beside Cory, as his phone rings.
Brad: Cory Baxter Enterprises, Brad speaking. Argh, please hold. (to Cory) It's William, he wants his game back.
Cory: Tell him, that...I'm in a meeting.
Brad (into phone): He's in a meeting. (to Cory) He says he can hear it.
Cory: Handle it, Brad!
Brad (onto phone): He's...and you're...(crackling, hangs phone up)
Cory: Nice work.
Brad: Anything else?
Cory jumps up from his desk seat and starts pacing; Brad takes notes.
Cory: Oh, I have a report about the gold rush due tomorrow. It's worth about half my grade, so I was thinking, what...10 pages, pictures...hey, maybe even paint a rock gold. You know. Whoaw me.
Brad: Aargh, argh sir…I'm not very comfortable with that.
Cory: OK, you can do it at my desk.
Brad: No, no, I just meant...(stands)...see, I think homework should be your responsibility.
Cory: You just 'think'? OK, let's review your resume...(goes and gets the resume from his desk)...computer skills...fluent in French and Spanish...racquet ball? I don't see anything here about thinking!
Brad: I'm...I'm just saying, that education is very important, and well...if I do your homework, you won't do anything.
Cory: Listen, I didn't hire you to give me a lecture. (Victor and Tanya walk in) I got parents for that and they don't cost me a dime!
Victor: Excuse me?
Cory (turns away guiltily): Mother, father...I was just telling Brad here, how much your wisdom inspires me.
Brad: And I was just telling Cory, I quit.
Cory: Brad, buddy...you can't quit on me.
Brad: Sure I can! It's...It's one of my special skills.
Brad walks out, and Cory calls after him.
Cory: Come on, Brad. I mean, who's going to answer my phone? Who's going to do my chores? Who's 'gonna finish that report? (turns to his parents) Ya'll didn't here that last part, did you?
Tanya: Cory, you asked Brad to do your report on the gold rush?
Cory: I guess ya'll did hear it.
Tanya: Cory, it's due tomorrow. You were supposed to be working on it all week, now what are you going to do?
Cory: Hey, dad...argh, still interested in that job? I, argh...got an opening.
Tanya: Cory, get to work.
Cory: Yes, ma'am.
He sits down at his desk, and Tanya starts to go for the door.
Tanya: Come on Victor.
Victor stays looking at the desk for a while, Tanya stands waiting at the door.
Tanya: Victor?
Victor: Couldn't I just ask him how much the job pays?
Tanya signals with a wave of her hand for him to follow her along.
***
At the food court.
Harold: The food court is now in session, all fries for Judge Foodie.
As the students file in, Judge Foodie takes her place at the desk.
Judge Foodie (bangs hammer and they sit): Students. Are you ready to reach a verdict?
Eddie (through mouthful of food): Yes we are, your honour.
Judge Foodie: Now, I am sure you are all going to vote yes, to making the Transinifinty Farms food court your school's official nutritional provider. But, before we can celebrate, I'm supposed to ask if anybody objects. So, if there are any cooks, haters or weirdos out there who are apposed, speak up now. (pause; bangs hammer) Alright then! All in favour.
Raven and Chelsea come running to the front with a cart.
Raven: Hey, we object!
Judge Foodie: Seriously?
Raven: Yes. And before you guys vote there's a few things you need to know about the food court.
Judge Foodie: Oh, like how delicious our new cheese pump chicken chunkies taste?
Chelsea: No, like what's actually in your food.
Raven: Yeah, and what it's doing to us.
Chelsea: Yeah.
Judge Foodie (through laughter): What it's doing is making everybody happy.
Chelsea and Raven share a glare.
Judge Foodie (to the students): How many of you feel good when you eat food court food?
The student body all raise their hands; ad-liming comments like 'yeah'.
Raven: Yeah, but how many of you feel sluggish and weak a few minutes later?
Again, they all raise their hands.
Chelsea: Yeah, and how many of you think your pants are shrinking? (the students raise their hands) Yeah, they're not.
Raven: And how many of you think your faces are breaking out? (they raise their hands again)
Chelsea: Yeah, they are.
Eddie (joins them): Yeah, guys, but the food tastes so good!
Raven: Yeah, see now that's the thing. We did a little research.
Judge Foodie: Research? That sounds like school. Do you kids want to learn or eat?
Eddie: With all due respect, these are my friends and I'd like to hear what they have to say...then we can go eat. (sits back down)
Raven: Well, since we're in the food court, we might as well present the evidence. (Chelsea rolls the cart over) First and foremost, Transinifinty Farm is not even a farm. (holds up a photograph) It's a factory!
Judge Foodie: Oh that...well, that's just what farms look like nowadays. Yeah, we keep the sun out, to keep the freshness in.
Raven: Well, we took a couple of samples of the food and took them to the science lab, and this is what we got back. Here, is what a typical student has put in their body, since the food court has been in session. This much salt –
Chelsea: Exhibit A.
Chelsea takes a sheet off that is covering a bag of salt. The students' 'ohh' when they see this. Chelsea waves it around with a smile.
Raven: This much sugar.
Chelsea: Exhibit B.
Again Chelsea takes off a sheet to reveal a bag full of sugar, even bigger than the bag of salt. The students gasp in shock when Chelsea struggles to pick it up.
Raven: And this much fat...
Chelsea: Exhibit ...
Chelsea takes the sheet off to reveal an oversized bag of fat. She struggles to pick it up again, the students gasp.
Judge Foodie: Alright, I think we have seen enough – all in favour...
Eddie (jumps up): Of here what my home girls got to say, put ya'll hands up!
The students all put their hands up. Raven squeals over to Chelsea.
Raven: Oh, Chels, they're liking it. Time for our big finish!
Chelsea: OK, I'm on it.
Raven walks over and takes a hand to stand up on a table.
Raven: Thank you...All that salt, sugar and fat, makes our bodies want more salt, sugar and fat.
Judge Foodie: BORING!
Chelsea comes in with a helium tank.
Raven: And when we eat more we make it bigger and bigger.
On Raven's hand gesture, Chelsea starts pumping the helium into Raven's clothing.
Raven: You can eat junk food once in a while, but if you eat it all the time it can make you seriously sick!
Judge Foodie takes out her phone and rings someone.
Judge Foodie (on the phone): The kids are onto us, this is a disaster! This is 'gonna cost us zillions!
Raven: But, you have the power to vote no, and make it stop!
As Chelsea goes to turn the handle, it pops off.
Chelsea: Oh, now, that can't be good.
Raven: Chelsea, Chelsea, make it stop! To the right, to the right!
Chelsea: OK, Rae, but I don't really think it's going to work.
Chelsea turns the unconnected handle to the right. Raven starts to float into the air because of all the helium she now carries.
Raven: Chelsea! Chelsea, help!
Chelsea: Rae, you stop floating and down here right now. OK?
Chelsea pulls at the connection cord and it falls out of Raven's leg – and as the helium comes flying out, Raven is sent flying madly around the room in a mass of destruction, knocking signs and all over.
Raven (screaming): SOMEBODY HELP ME!! AARGHH!
Eventually, the helium runs out, and Raven comes flying down on top of Judge Foodie. Juge Foodie is knocked over, Raven stands up, her hair a mess.
Raven: I'm OK, I'm OK.
Raven helps Judge Foodie up.
Raven: Hey, how you doing. (goes to fix up Judge Foodie's hair)
Eddie: Judge Foodie – I find you guilty, of giving us food that's bad for us!
Raven: Food court! (bangs hammer down on table 3 times) Gotta go!
The students cheer on, as Harold takes his place in front of the desk again.
Harold: All fries, the food court is out of session.
Judge Foodie: Oh, Harold, just drop it!
Harold: Yeah, whatever...
As the students and the officials file away, Raven, Chelsea and Eddie stand together at the front.
Eddie: Well guys, I guess it's back to Mystery Meat Monday.
Raven: Why, why? I mean, isn't it possible to have good food that's also good for you?
Chelsea: Right on, Rae! Hey, all in favour, of organically grown macro-biotic, vegetarian...
Raven (cutting her off): Now you're just trippin' Chels.
Chelsea: Well, how about a salad bar and some normal sized veggie burgers?
Raven: Chels, that – that actually sounds pretty good.
She smiles, and the three of them walk out.
***
Victor and Tanya are sitting on the couch, and switch off the television as they hear Cory approaching from downstairs.
Victor: Hey, wasn't Cory supposed to get his gold rush project back today?
Cory quickly turns to go back upstairs, but Tanya turns to him.
Tanya: Hold up there, mister.
Cory: Oh, hey guys. OK, before I tell you what grade I got, remember – I did the whole thing, in one night...with no help.
Tanya and Victor look suspiciously at each other.
Victor/Tanya: D.
Cory: Man, you guys are good.
Victor: Well at least you did it by yourself.
Cory: Yeah, with no help from Brad.
Tanya: Oh, speaking of Brad, he called before.
Cory: Oh, really. Does he want to come back to work?
Tanya: No, he said to watch the Yolanda Jenkins Show, at 4.00.
Victor switches the TV back on.
Yolanda: Welcome back. We're talking to former assistants about their abusive bosses.
The camera turns to reveal Harold, from the food court.
Harold: Judge Foodie. She wasn't even a real judge.
Brad: Yeah? At least your boss wasn't a 12 year old monster!
Yolanda: That must've been terrible.
Brad: Yes. I'm writing a book about it but argh, so far all I have is the cover. (takes a book from the table) My week...with the beast!
On the front cover there is a picture of Cory pointing out with a sinister glare on his face. It cuts back to the Baxter living room.
Cory: Hey on the plus side, you know that's a pretty good picture of me. (he strikes the pose as seen on the book cover)
END CREDITS
That's So Raven © Walt Disney Company
No infringment is intended by the transcription of this episode originally written by Marc Warren.
