3x18 - Mind Your Own Business

In a classroom at Raven's school, Senorita Rodriguez is pointing to an acronym written on the blackboard.

Rodriguez: Welcome to Future Leaders United in Business. Or as I like to call it...(circles the first letter of each word)...the FLUB club. Some of you are here because you are highly-motivated, success-driven over achievers. (looks at a group sitting professionally, then looks over at Eddie, Chelsea and Raven, who are sitting lazily)...and some of you, I don't know why you are here.

Eddie has his earphones on, Raven is filing her nails and Chelsea is knitting.

Rodriguez: Seriously, why are you here?

Raven: Well see, we signed up late for club so it was either this or...clong dancing.

Chelsea: Senorita Rodriguez, do we need special shoes for business?

Rodriguez: No, but lets get down to business. (takes off Eddie's earphones) Alright, I am going to divide you into two teams. Reg, Troy, Ambrosia, you are team one. Raven, Eddie, Chelsea – you are team two. Your first task is to come up with a team name.

The first team huddle up.

Reg: Got it! Our team name is Dynamo.

Raven, Eddie and Chelsea huddle up and indistinct mumbles are heard between them.

Raven: OK, done!

Rodriguez: What is your team name?

Raven: Yeah, I don't know, but we're going bowling on Saturday!

Rodriguez: OK, I see I am going to have to name you. What is the opposite of dynamo?

Chelsea: Aarghh...slow-mo?

Rodriguez: Good enough. OK, dynamos, slow-mo's...your second task is to create, advertise and sell a product that students can use in their lockers.

The dynamo's huddle up again.

Reg: Got it!

Raven: Oh, Oh, now ya'll gotta' stop doing that.

Troy: If you can't stand the heat, please, get out of the kitchen.

Chelsea (laughs): We're not even in a kitchen! And they call us slow-mo's.

Eddie: Look, we don't want to get all competitive with you guys.

Raven: Yeah, so if ya'll really want to win this little business thingy, be our guests.

Rodriguez: Did I mention the prize for this little "thingy", is a super-shopping spree at the mall?

Raven: A super shopping spree? Slow-mo's, huddle up!

Raven's team huddles up.

***
OPENING CREDITS
***

Raven, Eddie and Chelsea walk out of the classroom and gather around Eddie's locker.

Raven: Now, let's figure out what we're going to do about this contest. Now, what do kids need in their lockers?

Eddie opens his locker door, and the girls cover their nose with a screech, unable to bear the stench.

Chelsea: Man Eddie, what died in there?

Eddie (reaching through his locker): Well, let's see I've got my gym socks in here, oh...and this is my lunch from last week...and my (???) from science class...or is this my lunch?

Raven: You know what you guys, I have a great idea! (closes Eddie's locker) It's gonna sell like hotcakes!

Chelsea: That's it Rae, we'll sell hotcakes!

Raven: No, Chels.

Chelsea: French toast?

Raven: Chels, has to be for your locker...

Chelsea: Locker waffles…

Raven: Sshh. Listen to me. We are going to make locker deodorizers!

Chelsea: Oh yeah, good idea Rae, I mean Eddie can't be the only one in school with a stank locker.

Eddie: So, do you guys really think these locker deodorizers will sell? (opens his locker)

Raven and Chelsea lean back with a small screech, covering their noses from the smell.

Raven: Oh...well, I don't know...but you are definitely getting the first one. (closes the locker door; mumbling as she continues)...nasty...

***

Victor comes into Cory's room.

Victor: Hey, Cory, I – (looks down to see Cory is soaking in a HOT TUB)...what the heck?

Cory: Dad, can you do me a favour and close the door. I'm catching a draft.

Victor: You got a hot tub?

Cory: Cool, huh. Came this morning.

Victor: Look, Cory, I can't deal with this right now, I'm too stressed. Look, I'm swamped at work, my taxes are due and...how can you afford this?

Cory: I got it on my tax refund. That's why I always file early. (winks at Victor)

Victor: Yeah, I guess I'll remember that next time.

Cory: Dad, you really need to relax.

Victor: No, what I need is for this hot tub to get out of here. Look, I want it out of here by tomorrow! (as he walks out) How did you even get it through the door?

Cory (as Victor has gone): Water angels, water angels!

***

At the Flub Club meeting, the dynamos have their product on display to show Rodriguez.

Reg: And we will be selling locker organizers.

Rodriguez: Very clever, dynamos.

Ambrosia: You heard her, we're clever.

Rodriguez (walks to Eddie, Raven and Chelsea): And what have we here?

Raven (hands the product to Rodriguez): It's a locker deodorizer.

Chelsea: Yeah, we call them "stank...away"...

Rodriguez (inhales the smell): I am impressed, slow-mo.

Chelsea: Ha, she's impressed!

Rodriguez (goes to the front desk): Well, both teams have interesting products, but in business, the proof is in the profits. So, whatever team makes the most money will win the super shopping spree. And to the other, I will say...(taps desk)...hasta livista! (the teams lean back in their chairs)

Reg: Prepare to be demolished, slow-mo's. We have the most professional and most proficient marketing strategy this school has ever seen. (Troy and Ambrosia make spiteful gestures)

Chelsea: Yeah, yeah? Well we've got a big arrow!

***

In the corridor, Raven and Chelsea are standing behind a counter, as Eddie points to them holding a giant arrow which reads: STANK AWAY. The dynamos are set up opposite.

Eddie: Locker deodorizers, ya'll! Right this way, right this way.

Raven (as people gather around): Hey, hey, everybody, how you doing...I'm gonna tell you something that I know you don't want to hear. Your lockers stink! That's why we have this for you...

Chelsea (holding up product): Stank away, hand made, organic locker deodorizers...(Eddie has now joined them behind the counter)

Raven: Yes, you got to deodorize!

Eddie: Right!

Raven: Sanative…

Eddie: Well...

Chelsea: Hallelujah!

Raven: So the stink won't rise and burn your eyes! Can I get a sniff-ness? (the three inhale the smell given off from the product)

Eddie: OK, ya'll, step right up! We got...pine forest, lemon fresh and misty ocean.

Ambrosia has been standing at the counter smelling the samples.

Ambrosia: These all smell the same.

Raven: Oh, really, Ambrosia, don't block the line now. (pushes her away)

Over at the dynamo side, Troy and Reg are demonstrating the product through their locker.

Troy: Here it is, the locker wizard. You got your drawers, you got your shelves, and you got ya'll books. So, step right up and everybody, please have your money ready.

Ambrosia comes over and Reg steps aside with her.

Reg: How are the slow-mo's doing?

Ambrosia: The big arrow was really bringing in the crowd.

Reg: There's no way they're going to beat us, we have to crush them!

Ambrosia: You don't mean...?

Reg: That's right...

Cuts to Ambrosia, dancing around with an EVEN BIGGER arrow to the slow-mo's, with lights and all. It reads: "LOCKER WIZARD".

Raven: Oh, no, they've got an even bigger arrow.

Eddie: With lights!

Raven: You know what we have to do.

Chelsea: You mean...?

They both look over suspiciously at Eddie, who looks back dumbfounded...it then cuts to Raven putting the head of a 'chicken' costume over Eddie's head, at their business stand. Eddie is holding an EVEN BIGGER sign which, again, reads STANK AWAY, with lights and all. He bucks like a chicken as the crowds go over to the sales table. Rodriguez watches them closely with their dealings.
As the final sales are made, Rodriguez beeps her blow horn at the teams.

Rodriguez: Time's up, stop selling! Reg, big chicken...cough up the cash...

Eddie and Reg hand Rodriguez a bundle of cash and she clips it onto her clipboard.

Rodriguez: I will tally the results, and announce the winner at our FLUB club meeting. Where one team will go shopping...(the teams lean in)...and the other will hear me say...hasta livista! (backs away mysteriously into the next corridor).

As Rodriguez goes, the teams eye each other suspiciously...

***

Cory walks into his room with his basketball, shocked when he finds that Victor is in the hot tub.

Cory: Dad?

Victor: Oh, hey son. Is it 3.30 already? Where did the day go...

Cory: What are you doing in my hot tub?

Victor: Well, I thought about what you said about needing to relax and...(rests foot up on ledge)...thanks to your tub, I am bubbling my stress away!

Cory: Well, I am happy for you, but I already called the guy to come pick it up.

Victor: Oh, yeah...he rang the doorbell, but I was too relaxed to answer it.

Cory: So the tub's staying, then? (Victor nods) Good, 'cause I had a really long day at school and I could really use a soak...

Victor: Na-argh! Not until you've finished your homework.

Cory: Homework?

Victor: Mm-hm.

Cory: Dad, dad, come on!

Victor: Hey, hey. Schoolwork comes first. Better get started.

Cory: Fine. (goes to his desk)

Victor: Oohh, turbo jets...(hits a button on the remote and gives a relaxed laugh)

Cory looks over with an annoyed grunt.

***

At the FLUB club meeting. Rodriguez is at the front, just having counted the money up.
Rodriguez: OK, I've counted all the money and we have a winner. (pause) Dynamo. (they celebrate...) hasta livista! The winning team is Raven, Eddie and Chelsea the slow-mo's.

Raven, Eddie and Chelsea ad-limb their celebratory chants.

Reg: I told you we should've got an animal suit, but no, you had to think "inside the box".

Troy: The big arrow was fine...(looks at Ambrosia)...someone didn't dance enough with it!

The three of them walk out arguing.

Chelsea: You know what you guys, I am so glad we're not competitive like them.

Eddie: Yeah, that's because we're friends and we've got each others' backs.

Raven: And that's why we won. (they follow Raven to the desk) OK, prize, prize, prize, off to the mall we go slow-mo's, hook it up, hey!

Rodriguez: Not so fast, slow-mo's. The competition is not over yet. You see, there is a twist! Only one of you is getting the shopping spree.

Chelsea: Which one?

Rodriguez: The one that makes the most money selling a new product. Because you see now, you will be competing against each other.

The three of the teens gasp; Rodriguez turns on them dramatically.

Rodriguez: Dun-dun-dun! (the three lean back) ...Just trying to amp up the tension.

***

Raven, followed by Eddie and Chelsea, walk into the Baxter kitchen after school and dump their bags on the bench. Raven gets a jug of water from the fridge.

Eddie: Man, I can't believe Rodriguez is making us compete against each other.

Raven: Yeah, and you know what, we are not going to turn against each other like the dynamos. Over some stupid shopping spree, some...once in a lifetime...dream...of a shopping spree.

Chelsea: Rae, come back.

Raven: Huh? Oh, yeah, sorry. If we're 'gonna do this, we have to make a packed that it will not get ugly.

Eddie: Yeah, well it might be fun to have a little friendly competition, ya'll.

Chelsea: Yeah, but I can't think of what to sell.

Eddie: Oh, don't worry about that, me neither.

Raven: Yeah, me neither...

Raven turns away as she is transfixed into a vision...in her vision, Senorita Rodriguez runs up to Raven:

Rodriguez: Raven, your popcorn stand is popping!

Cuts back to the present.

Raven (screeches): I just had a vision and I know what I'm going to sell, and it is going to be hot!

Eddie: Oh, really? Well, what is it?

Raven: Huh? Aarghh...nothin'...

Eddie: What do you think Rae, I'm going to steal it or something?

Raven: Oh, Eddie, of course not! Please...

Eddie: Then why won't you tell us?

Chelsea: Yeah, Rae, that's not really fair, using your visions to beat us.

Raven: Aargh, argh, now listen to me people, this is just business. Strictly business. (sits down at kitchen table)

Chelsea: Fine, fine then. I'm not going to tell you my idea.

Raven: Aargh, Chels, I thought you didn't have one.

Chelsea: Well I don't, but when I get one...I'm not telling you.

Eddie: Yeah, yeah...and the idea that I don't have is 'gonna be better than the both of yours.

Raven: Oh, oh, keeping dreaming, you know why, 'cause I'm 'gonna win that shopping trip, OK?

Chelsea: Oh, yeah, well you're going down.

Eddie: Yeah!

Chelsea: You too, mister!

Eddie: Hey!

Eddie and Chelsea take alternate exit routes; before giving each other suspicious glares. As they are gone, Raven has a small laugh to herself.

***

Cory walks into his room, to find not only Victor in the hot tub, but also the rest of the staff from the Chill Grill.

Cory: Dad, what are you doing?

Victor: Oh, hey son, you know the Chill Grill staff right?

Chill Grill Staff Members: Hi.

Cory (to Victor): Why aren't they at the Chill Grill?
Victor: Well, you see, everybody's so stressed at work that we thought we'd relax while we have our staff meeting.

Cory: Dad, can I talk to you alone?

Victor: Hey, do you guys mind?

The Chill Grill staff take a deep breath and go under the water.

Victor: OK son, you better make it quick.

Cory: Oh, OK, Dad, well you keep talking about your stress, but I have stress too.

Victor: Son, you're a kid, what kind of stress could you have?

Cory: Well, let's see. I've got four tests and a paper due this week, I'm worried about my social life, my future, and I've got a dad living in my hot tub that I bought to relax in!

Victor: Oh, son, I didn't realize, of course you have your own kind of stress, and I should have been sensitive to that.

Cory: That's OK, dad. Tell you what, how about we move the hot tub to the backyard? That way we can both use it, and argh...I get my room back.

Victor: Yeah...yeah, that sounds fair. Alright.

Victor leans back on the cushion as Cory goes to stand up.

Cory: And, dad?

Victor: Yeah, son?

Cory: The staff!

Victor: Oh, right! (taps the ledge of the hot-tub, and the staff come up, soaked and short of breath)

***

At school, Chelsea is behind her counter in the hallway as the students walk by. Senorita Rodriguez approaches.

Chelsea: Thinking caps, get you're thinking caps here!

Rodriguez: Oh, I get it. A brain on a hat. (puts one on) Chelsea, very clever. (admires her reflection in the mirror)

Chelsea: Oh, thank you very much.

Rodriguez: No, thank you! (walks off with the cap)

Chelsea: Did she just rip me off? (puts on hat) I think she did!

Eddie is over at his stand, a place where you can get your face printed onto a T-shirt.

Eddie: Your face on a t-shirt, ten dollars! And for twenty bucks...(poses a grin)...you can have my face!
Boy #1: Cool.

The boy drops his bag and goes and stands in Eddie's position, Eddie goes to the camera. Rodriguez is watching from the stairs.

Eddie: Big smile man, alright. (snaps a photo; Rodriguez approaches)

Rodriguez: Another great idea.

Eddie: It's pretty cool, too. See, all I have to do is let the camera take the picture...(takes shirt from scanner)...and it printed right out on a t-shirt. (the guy takes the shirt) Ten bucks. (the guy gives Eddie the money)

Rodriguez: Very impressive, Edwardo. Aargh, can you show me how this thing works again? (stands in photo-position)

Eddie: Oh, yeah, no doubt. (holds up camera) Big smile now, alright. (snaps a photo of her)

A few moments later, he takes the shirt from the scanner and holds it up to show Rodriguez.

Rodriguez: Oh. (Eddie hands her the shirt)

Eddie: That'll be ten bucks.

Rodriguez: Do you have change for a fifty?

Eddie: Yeah.

Rodriguez: A hundred?

Eddie: Yeah.

Rodriguez: Two hundred?

Eddie: ...Yeah.

Rodriguez (changing the subject): Oh, oh...something smells good.

Eddie (sniffs around): Yeah, smells like turkey necks...(Rodriguez has skipped away)...oh! She jacked me for a t-shirt!

Raven is dishing out popcorn at her stand.

Raven: Popcorn here, get your popcorn! Freshly popped popcorn for your corn-eat pleasure, by Raven Raven pop.

As Raven turns the next customer, Rodriguez approaches her.

Rodriguez: So, what do you have for me? I mean, how's business?

Raven: Oh, it is on and popping...(gives popcorn to customer)...here you go...(takes money)

Rodriguez: I'll have to take a sample, for testing purposes.

Raven: Oh, most definitely, totally understand...

She puts one tiny piece of popcorn into a cup for Rodriguez.

Rodriguez: Oh, that's very generous, but...I think I'll need a capful.

She goes to the popcorn machine and scoops up some into her brain cap from Chelsea.

Raven: What? Oh, snap...

Rodriguez: I'll get back to you with my result...(walks off)

Raven: Oh, you better get back to me with my two-fifty!

Back at Eddie's t-shirt stand, he has just taken "Mad-Dog's" photo.

Eddie: Alright, your mother's going to like her birthday present, Mad Dog. (takes out the shirt and looks at the image; laughs)...hey, you look like a girl!

Mad Dog leans in with a mean look on his face.

Eddie: Aargh, argh...not you...(shows him the image on the shirt which makes him look like a girl)...the t-shirt, see something went wrong. It's a good thing you don't have a sister my brother because she would be one ugly...(Mad Dog looks even angrier)...you've got a sister, don't you? (laughs) I'm this way. (turns in opposite direction)

At Chelsea's cap stand, the students are making a lot of commotion wanting their money back.

Chelsea: Calm down, calm down you guys, everyone's getting their money back.

Eddie (walks over): Hey Chels, somebody messed with my computer, you wouldn't happen to know anything about it, would you?

Chelsea: Wait a minute; somebody put itching powder on my thinking caps. You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you?

Eddie: No, but I bet the same person who messed with your caps is the same person that messed with my computer.

Chelsea: Man, who would do something like that?

Eddie: Someone that would do anything for a shopping spree.

Chelsea: Yeah...(pause; puts on thinking cap)...Raven!

Raven is packing up the popcorn machine as she puts in the last dose of powder to make to mix it up.

Raven: Great. Well, better go check out the competition.

She closes the door of the machine and walks way. As she is gone, an unknown figure with a black glove pours a bag of unpopped popcorn into the machine, and it flies everywhere...

Raven walks over to the cap stand, where Eddie and Chelsea are behind the counter.

Raven: Hey, you guys, what's going on...

Eddie: Like you don't know.

Raven: Actually, I don't.

Chelsea: Argh, OK, well does this mean anything to you...(scratches her head)

Raven: You stuck your head in poison ivy? (laughs)

Chelsea: Actually, I did once.

Raven: Really?

Chelsea: But, that's not why I'm doing it.

Eddie: And I suppose you had nothing to do with this? (holds up the shirt with the girly image of Mad Dog)

Raven: Wow, you know what, that is a really good picture of Mad Dog's sister.

Eddie: No, it is a really bad picture of Mad Dog! Someone messed with my computer, Rae.

Raven: Wait a second, are you accusing me?

Chelsea: Um, are you accusing me of accusing you?

Raven: Yes.

Chelsea: So you confess?

Raven: Wait, what am I talking about! I would never do anything to cheat. If you guys actually think I would do something to sabotage you, I don't even know why we're friends.

Eddie: We were thinking the same thing.

Raven gives a dark glare and walks off. Rodriguez approaches her.

Rodriguez: Raven, your popcorn stand is popping!

Raven: Yeah, I know, on it's own, it's pop, pop, poppin'.

Rodriguez: Yes, it is. All over the school! Pop, pop, pop, pop! (repeats several times)

Raven: What? Oh, snap! (sees that students are walking by with popcorn and runs off) Oh, wait! Ya'll owe me money for that, I'm 'gonna get my money when I get there!

Raven, Eddie and Chelsea run over to the popcorn machine to find there is a large pile of popcorn, and kids are throwing it at each other and stealing it.

Raven: Aargghh! (to Eddie and Chelsea) You sabotaged my popcorn machine!

Chelsea: What, Rae, why would we do that?

Raven: I don't know, maybe because you thought I sabotaged yours, which, I didn't!

Chelsea: Well we didn't do anything, OK Rae? At least, I didn't.

Eddie: Well, hey, what do you think, I did this?

Rodriguez (approaches from behind): Everyone, drop that popcorn and get back to class! Raven, stop your crazy machine before the whole school is filled!

Raven: OK, OK, I'm going in!

Raven dives into the pile of popcorn.

Chelsea (a few moments after): She's been under too long.

Rodriguez: I know. The suspense is killing me!

Eddie: Hey, we've got to go in there and get her.

Chelsea: Let's do it.

Rodriguez: This is better than the movies!

Eddie dives in first, Chelsea follows. Rodriguez watches with enthusiasm. A few moments have gone by, then Raven pops her head up from the mess of popcorn.

Raven (screams): Whoa, whoa! I DID IT!!!

Rodriguez: Eddie and Chelsea are in there! They went in to save you.

Raven: OK...(inhales a deep breath and goes back under)

A few moments later, Eddie and Chelsea pop their heads up.

Rodriguez: Raven just went down to save you!

Eddie: Oh, man...(he and Chelsea go back under; Raven pops her head up soon after)

Rodriguez: Raven – Eddie and Chelsea just went...just wait here.

Eddie and Chelsea pop their heads up in position above Raven.

Eddie: Rae, are you OK?

Raven: Hey, you guys. Yeah, are you OK?

Chelsea (spits out some popcorn): A little salty, but yeah, I'm OK.

Raven: Wait a second. Even though you guys thought I messed you up, you still tried to save me?

Eddie: Well argh, even after we said all those crazy things to you Rae, you still tried to save us?

Raven: You know what, look what this competition has done to us. It's turned us against each other.

Chelsea: Well, let's never let it happen again, OK you guys?

Raven: OK. We're best friends and let's stay that way.

Chelsea: Yeah.

Raven: Yeah.

Rodriguez: I love happy endings.

Raven: Well, I guess we'll never know who messed us up then.

Raven screams when a black-gloved hand pops up from the popcorn.

Rodriguez: Oh! I did not see that coming!

Eventually, Reg pops his head up. Raven screams.

Eddie: Reg?

Raven: What, Reg? What are you doing underneath there?

Reg: You guys didn't deserve to win! You know nothing about business.

Eddie: So it was you, huh?

Rodriguez: Everyone, report to the FLUB club immediately!

***

At the FLUB club, Rodriguez is standing at the front of Eddie, Chelsea, Raven and Reg.

Reg: I'm sorry for what I did, I just can't stand...(his face cringes)...losing.

Rodriguez: Reg, you can think about that when you're cleaning up the popcorn.

Reg walks out of the classroom.

Rodriguez: As for the rest of you, I think we learned two valuable lessons today. Competition can bring out the worst in people. And...never eat popcorn out of an itching cap! (rubs her tongue with a brush)

Raven (follows Rodriguez to the desk): So, um, Senorita...who's getting the shopping spree?

Rodriguez: Well, I think the only fare thing would be for the three of you to share it.

Chelsea/Raven/Eddie: Yeah.

Rodriguez: But there's another twist. Unfortunately, most of the merchants refused to participate. They said I took too many freebies. (reaches into desk) But I did manage to get you a gift certificate to one of the most popular stores in the mall!

Raven, Chelsea and Eddie take the voucher only to find that it is a gift voucher for...

Raven/Eddie/Chelsea: Popcorn town?

Rodriguez: Hasta lavista! (exits)

Chelsea: Oh, man.

Eddie: Well, at least it's free.

They shrug and go for the door.

Chelsea (as they are at the door): Hey, I wonder what they sell there.

***

Cory is sitting doing his homework, nearby the outside porch.

Cory (calling): Dad, come on, you've been in that hot tub for three days, you're gonna shrimple up into nothing!

A mini Victor in his bath robe comes crawling in.

Victor: Too late!

Cory screams and backs away...only to wake up and start screaming again (it has all been a dream).

Cory: OK, OK...it was just a bad dream...

He looks over to find Victor bent over at the door wiping up some water.

Cory: Aarghh!! It wasn't a dream!!! Mommy!! (runs away)

Victor (stands): Son, I was just wiping up some water. Well, back to the tub. (walks outside)

END CREDITS

3x26 - Point Of No Return

Raven walks into the Baxter kitchen, talking on her mobile, as her father Victor works behind the counter.

RAVEN
(gasps) No, he didn't! (pause) No he didn't! (pause) He did not! No he didn't!

By this time, Victor is standing in front of her.

VICTOR
Sounds like he did, Rae. Hang up the phone.

RAVEN
(stares at Victor) Alright. No he didn't, girl. Bye.

She hangs up the phone and puts her bag down on the seat in front of the desk.

VICTOR
Rae, when you come home, the least you could do is talk to me. Say "hi dad".

RAVEN
Hi, dad! So, what do you want to talk about?

VICTOR
Well, argh...what happened at school today?

RAVEN
Well. Tyrone asked Amanda to Chris' party, but he is still going out with Beverly! So I was like, no he didn't, and then Chels said, yes he did, and then I was like, no he didn't, and then Chels said yes he did…

VICTOR
Rae, Rae, Rae. I'm sorry, I meant what's happening in your class?

RAVEN
Oh, right...the other part of school. (long pause) Nothin'. Oh, wait! Wait, wait, wait. My math teacher did give me a note. Let me get it for you Dad. (she goes over to the desk and sits on the chair, taking numerous personal care items out of her bag as she speaks) OK, where's that note? (squeezes some moisturizer on her hand) Oh, hey, what's up, girl?

VICTOR
Do you have any books in this book bag?

RAVEN
Of course I do. Here...(takes iron from bag) Oh...wait, that was the travel iron. My bad. Comes in handy, though. What was I looking for again?

VICTOR
The note. (Raven looks confused) From your teacher.

RAVEN
Oh, right...

Raven takes out the crinkled up note from her bag.

RAVEN
Oh, wait...
She spreads it open and pushes the travel iron down against it. Victor rolls his eyes and takes it from her.

VICTOR
Well, it says that your math class will be starting trigonometry.

RAVEN
Triga-what?

VICTOR
Yeah. And it says that you have to buy a special scientific calculator.

RAVEN
What? (holds up bag) There's no more room in here!

VICTOR
Rae, do you even listen in class?

RAVEN
Oh, of course I do, dad. How else would I know that Tyrone is dating another girl? Please.

VICTOR
Rae, your education is important and you need to get this calculator, even if it does cost...(looks at figure on page)...one-hundred dollars? (!)

RAVEN
What? For a hundred dollars I could pay a nerd to do my homework.

VICTOR
Really? I only used to get ten...I mean, um...(takes out his wallet)...here's your money.

Victor places the money in Raven's readied hand.

RAVEN
Thank you.

***
OPENING CREDITS
***

Raven, Chelsea and Eddie are walking through a clothing store, Carrington's.

CHELSEA
Rae, the calculator departments' on a different floor...in a different store...in a different mall!

RAVEN
Hey, hey...as long as we're here, we may as well see what's new.

EDDIE
Oh, hey, you know I'm down.

CHELSEA
Eddie, I don't know where you get the patience. You always end up shopping with us girls and you never complain.


EDDIE
Yeah, well that's a sacrifice I make for my friends...

Eddie approaches two other girls who are looking at buying some clothes.

EDDIE
Excuse me, that dress is definitely your colour. (the girls walk off)

Eddie looks embarrassed, as he points his way back to Raven and Chelsea.

CHELSEA
Come on Rae, let's go get your calculator so we can find an outfit to where to Christa's party.

Raven is looking at a blouse on a mannequin top beside where they are standing, and when she touches it finds herself transfixed into a vision...

In her vision, Raven is wearing the blouse, spinning around and looking at herself in the mirror in the Baxters' living room.

RAVEN
Bam! Whoaw.

Cuts back to the present...

...Raven is looking anxiously at the blouse, and Chelsea crosses to Eddie's side.

RAVEN
(anxious; snarling) I'm 'gettin it!

CHELSEA
(looking at tag) Rae, it's 89.95

RAVEN
Actually, Chels, with sale's tax, that's...97.21

EDDIE
I thought you were bad at math.

RAVEN
Oh no, no, no. This is not math, OK, this is shopping. And I'm 'gettin it! Just 'gotta find one in my size...

CHELSEA
Rae, come on, you cannot afford this top.

RAVEN
Um, yes I can, my dad gave me a hundred dollars the other day and I am 'gettin it.

EDDIE
That money is for ya'll calculator.

CHELSEA
Yeah, Rae, what are you going to tell your dad?



RAVEN
I'm not going to tell him anything, because I'm going to buy the top now, where it to Christa's party, and then return it again tomorrow.

CHELSEA
Oh yeah, and then you can use the money to buy your calculator, that's brilliant!

EDDIE
Chels!

CHELSEA
(unsure) ...and wrong! (muttering to Eddie) ...why is it wrong, again?

EDDIE
Because you can't buy something and party in it if you know you're going to bring it right back.

RAVEN
Yes I can, you know why? 'Cause I'm 'gettin it! It is the only one in my size, come on baby...(she takes the mannequin and bumps into one of the store's employees with it) ...are you OK?

FRANK
Just a little internal bleeding.

RAVEN
Argh, I'm really sorry, argh...(looks at his badge)...Frank.

FRANK
It is pronounced, Fronk.

RAVEN
Fronk. I would like to purchase this shirt.

FRANK
Oh, really? (sarcastic) Goodie, no one's ever bought a blouse here before. (Raven continues on holding the mannequin top) Keep in mind that the mannequin is not included.

RAVEN
Oh, yeah, of course. (places mannequin on bench) ...just take this top off...here you go! (throws the mannequin at Frank, and it lands on his feet)

FRANK
Aargh! (Raven turns back) That's 'gonna leave a mark.

RAVEN
I'm sorry, Frank.

FRANK
It's Fronk!

Anxiously, he reaches down and picks up the mannequin top, Raven turns away to the counter promptly.

***

Victor is sitting at the table reading the newspaper, as Cory comes down and goes to the fridge.

VICTOR
Well, it's that time of year again!

CORY
Oh, no, I have to get my shots?

VICTOR
No...

CORY
Argh...dentist?

VICTOR
No! Tomorrow is the fifty-percent off sale at Carrington's boy department. It's time for our annual father and son shopping trip.

CORY
(pause) NOOOO!!!

Cory runs for the door, shouting, but Victor stands and blocks his way. He walks Cory back into the kitchen.

VICTOR
Son, what is wrong with you?

CORY
Give me a shot, pull my teeth, anything but our annual father and son shopping trip!

VICTOR
I thought you liked our annual father and son shopping trip.

CORY
Yeah, when I was five!! Now I'm too old. All my friends go shopping by themselves. (sits a the counter; Victor stands behind the bench)

VICTOR
Name one.

CORY
Argh,...Pete.

VICTOR
Pete who?

CORY
(improvising) Pete Saladbowl.

VICTOR
How come I've never met Pete Saladbowl?

CORY
Because he's always out shopping, by himself.

Raven comes running in from the lounge room with her bag containing the blouse.
VICTOR
Rae, did you get it?

RAVEN
I sure did, and I'm about to go upstairs right now and try it on...(turns back; realizes her error)...I mean, try it OUT. To see if it works. (runs on upstairs)

CORY
You see that? You always let Raven go shopping by herself.

VICTOR
No, no, see, that's different. She's older, more responsible, look at her rushing up there to do her homework. (calls out upstairs) I am so proud of you, Raven.

RAVEN (V/O shouting from upstairs)
IT FITS!!! ...I mean, it calcu...lates...

CORY
So, argh...there's no escaping this nightmare, is there dad?

VICTOR
(gives him a back-hug; short laugh) That's the spirit!

Cory looks frightened, as Victor walks off...

***

At night – Eddie and Chelsea are pacing downstairs in the Baxter lounge room.

EDDIE
Chels, listen, dude! (goes to staircase and shouts) Rae, would you come on, we're going to be late for the party of the century!

CHELSEA
Seriously! And if we get there next century, we'll be too old to dance!

Raven comes out from her room around the corner and shows off her new shirt. She comes downstairs.

RAVEN
Um, relax, people, OK! Thank you. (walks over to the mirror) Because a party ain't a party until a shirt shows up!

Raven spins around as per her vision.

RAVEN
Bam! Just like I saw it, only of course...better.

EDDIE
Yeah, yeah, you're beautiful, let's go to the party. (goes for the door)

RAVEN
No, wait, I've got to put on the finishing touches! (takes out her lipstick)

As Raven goes to put the lipstick on, it slips out of her hand and runs down into her shirt, spreading everywhere.

RAVEN
Oh, no, no, where'd it go? No, no, no! Get out of the shirt! NO!!!

EDDIE
(seemingly oblivious to the disaster at hand) Can we talk about this on the way to the party?

RAVEN
What? (!) Eddie, I can't go to the party like this, I have to get the stain out!

CHELSEA
Oh, argh, Rae...don't worry, that stain'll never come out.

RAVEN
Chels, it has to come out! Because I need to return it tomorrow so I can get the calculator!

EDDIE
You had to get it. Well, now you got it.

Raven whimpers, unsure of what she will do...

***

Raven is looking at herself in the mirror.

RAVEN
How am I going to return it with this big stain on it?

EDDIE
(now sitting on the couch) Toss it and run.

RAVEN
I want my money back.

EDDIE
Toss it, grab the money, and run.

RAVEN
You know what, this is all my fault, so argh...I'm just going to stay here and try and get this stain out, you guys can go to the party without me.

Eddie and Chelsea run for the door in a hurried rush; anxiously.

EDDIE / CHELSEA
(wanting to get out) OK, BYE!!!

RAVEN
Hey, hey! Ya'll aren't going nowhere.

EDDIE
I knew it was a trick!

***

In the kitchen, Raven is holding the blouse and Chelsea is squirting it.

RAVEN
Is it coming out?

CHELSEA
(looking at the bottle) Yeah!

RAVEN
Great!

EDDIE
(sitting at the table) She means the stain!

CHELSEA
Oh...noo...

CHELSEA
This stuff sprays out really well, it must be the easy flown nozzle! (Raven takes the bottle)

RAVEN
Give me that!

EDDIE
(stands) Argh, Rae, it actually looks like the stain is getting bigger to me.

RAVEN
(looks at blouse) Oohh, it does...

CHELSEA
(grabs bottle) Oh no, maybe this is a stain enlarger!

RAVEN
(puts bottle back on counter) Chels, stop it! You know what, I'm just going to have to put it in the washing machine. (goes to walk away)

EDDIE
Oh, wait, do you mind if I put my draws in there?

CHELSEA
No!

EDDIE
Well she's going to do a load anyway!

***

Chelsea and Eddie are sitting at the kitchen counter, as Raven walks in.

CHELSEA
Hey, Rae. Is the stain gone?

RAVEN
Yep...it's gone...

Raven holds up the blouse, now a "mini" blouse.

EDDIE
Well I'm glad I didn't put my draws in there! Well, what happened, Rae?
RAVEN
I don't know, I used extra hot water, because it was extra stained, and it extra shrunk!

EDDIE
Now you need an extra hundred dollars to buy that calculator.

RAVEN
I can't tell my dad about this, we've gotta start stretching.

CHELSEA
Well, I don't know how that's going to help, but OK...

Chelsea gets up and starts doing some stretches.

RAVEN
Hey, Chels. I was talking about the top!

CHELSEA
Oh...that makes more sense...

RAVEN
Yeah...we gotta wet it and stretch it, then it will go back to it's regular size.

***

Raven is in the lounge room, wearing the blouse, with Eddie and Chelsea stretching at either side.

EDDIE
Rae, how much longer have we 'gotta do this?

CHELSEA
I think we're over-stretched!

RAVEN
Well, you guys know you have to over-stretch, because when you let go, it's 'gonna snap back into shape. Alright, let go but stand back, OK?

CHELSEA
OK…

RAVEN
OK, go!!

They let go, and they appear to be overstretched...

RAVEN
W...w...w...ait a little bit longer, just give it a second, come back to me...come back...oh, snap, it's not snappin' back! We 'gotta start over.

CHELSEA
Oh, OK, Rae, here, you can borrow my lipstick. (takes out her lipstick tube)

RAVEN
(hitting Chelsea) Not that part! You know what, maybe, if I put it back in the washer, it will shrink back to its normal size!

CHELSEA
Oh, yeah, and then we can go to the party!

EDDIE
Dude, the party's been over for hours.

RAVEN
You know what, I know you guys are mad at me, but you know what, when we look back on this...(laughs; Eddie and Chelsea glare angrily)...we're 'gonna laugh...and laugh...I'm 'gonna put it in the washing machine. (walks off)

***

The next morning, at Carrington's. Raven is holding the blouse, Chelsea and Eddie at her side.

CHELSEA
Well it took all night, but it looks as good as new.

EDDIE
Let's just return it and get out of here!

RAVEN
I know, because if my dad knew that I spent that calculator money on this top, he would be...

CHELSEA
...right over there!

They look over and see Victor and Cory at the boys' department.

RAVEN
Oh, my goodness, I forgot, today's their annual father-son shopping trip, we 'gotta hide before he finds us.

They run off, as Cory and Victor walk closer.

CORY
Dad, this is so embarrassing, I hope no one I know sees me here.

VICTOR
Cory, there's lots of kids here shopping with their dad's.

He looks over at some really young kids, shopping with their fathers.

CORY
Dad, they're babies!

VICTOR
What about that kid right there? (points to a guy crouching) He's about your age! (the guy stands up)

CORY
Him? He's the dad!

VICTOR
Oh...well come on, let's just look around.
Cory and Victor continue walking along, not noticing Raven and her friends posed as mannequins...

RAVEN
Oh, my goodness, now that was a close one. I just wish this was over and this shirt was out of my hands!

A cart that is being pushed by slips up the blouse from Raven's unsteady grip.

RAVEN
Hey!

CHELSEA
Whoaw, Rae, now wish for a calculator!

EDDIE
Follow that rack!

They follow the employee into the elevator, but are unable to reach the destination before the door closes. The arm hole of the blouse gets stuck in the middle of the door.

RAVEN
Oh, man! (pulls the blouse up and down) Oh, get out of there! I worked too hard for you!

Raven leans her foot up against the door and the arm of the blouse eventually falls out. She is hurdled back, and runs into Frank, causing him to spill his drink all over his suit.

RAVEN
Oh, I am...so...sorry...

FRANK
You!

RAVEN
Are you okay?

FRANK
Aside from the excruciating pain from this hot boiling water, I feel...just peachy.

RAVEN
Um, it was an accident Frank, I mean...

FRANK
It's Fronk! Now how am I going to get this stain out?

CHELSEA
Oh, well Frank, I can tell you what not to do...

FRANK
Now why did I ever leave house wares? Now, if you'll excuse me, because I am going to go down to my car right now, and I'm going to have myself a good cry...

Raven reaches to get some cream from his nose, but he backs away, with terrified grunts.

EDDIE
(as Frank is gone) Now what?

RAVEN
Follow that elevator!

The three of them run to the fire stair door.

***

Cory walks over towards two young women, shopping.

CORY
So, argh, ladies...what brings you to the boys department?

GIRL #1
Where else do you look for boys? (giggles)

VICTOR
Hey, Cory – (shows a "bottom" mannequin presenting some underwear) – what do you think of these?

Cory covers his face with his shirt.

GIRL #1
How embarrassing. I'd hate to be that Cory kid.

CORY
Yeah, me too...how embarrassing...

VICTOR
(walks over with the underwear) Cory, did you hear me calling you? Now, they say these are irregulars, but I say, who cares, 'cause nobody's 'gonna see your underwear, right? (laughs; Cory looks embarrassed; the girls turn away)

CORY
Do I know you, sir? (the girls walk off, laughing. Cory waves them) Oh, OK...dad! I cannot believe you just talked about my underwear in front of those girls.

VICTOR
Oh, I'm sorry, son...I can see how that could be a little embarrassing.

CORY
A little?

VICTOR
Look, don't worry about it, I'm sure they've forgotten all about it.

They look over and see that the girls from before are still laughing wildly in regards to the matter.

VICTOR
Want me to go over there and talk to them? (runs towards them shining the underwear)

CORY
No, please, dad! (takes underwear) You are making it worse! Dad, I have my own bank account, I do my own taxes, I'm incorporated in three states. I think I can handle picking out my own stuff.


VICTOR
You know what...you may be right. Look, I'll tell you what, you can go shopping on your own for thirty minutes, and then I'll come back and see how you're doing.

CORY
Thank you.

VICTOR
I'll meet you at the cashier.

CORY
I'll be there.

VICTOR
And, no talking to strangers.

CORY
Dad!

VICTOR
Oh, I know, it's just...I love you son.

Victor embraces Cory and gives him a kiss on the head. As he walks off, the girls from earlier on walk by and laugh continuously.

CORY
I seriously do not know that man. (the girls walk off) Security? (begins to walk off...)

***

Eddie, Chelsea and Raven arrive upstairs and run past the rack, Raven grabbing the blouse as they go into the elevator.

RAVEN
Yes, I got it!

CHELSEA
Good, Rae, can we return it now?

RAVEN
Not 'till I figure out a way to put the sleeve back on!

EDDIE
Oh, it never ends!

The elevator door closes, and the three of them run into the tailer's office, only to find an "out to lunch" sign.

CHELSEA
Oh, tough break, Rae, the tailer's out to lunch.

RAVEN
No problem, I know how to work a sewing machine. I'll do it myself! (sits down at the machine)

CHELSEA
Aargh, are you sure, Rae? It look pretty professional.
RAVEN
Chels, a sewing machine is a sewing machine, OK? Thank you.

Raven lines the fabrics up, but accidently sews it to her shirt...

RAVEN
(screech) Aargh, I sewed myself to the machine! Oh, my goodness, you guys, a little help here, please!

EDDIE
Are you sure you can't get out of there by yourself?

RAVEN
I can't, I am sewed in!

EDDIE
(in a rush) ...let's go! (they run for the door)

RAVEN
What!

EDDIE
We have been up with you all night, little missy!

CHELSEA
Yeah, Rae, we're going to go home and take a nap.

RAVEN
Wait, ya'll, remember, we're going to laugh about this.

Raven begins laughing...

CHELSEA
Bye! (walks off)

EDDIE
Hallo'. (walks off)

Raven's laugh turns into a whimper.

FRANK (V/O calling)
You who, Hello?

RAVEN
Oh, Frank!

Raven puts on the sunglasses and hat as Frank enters.

FRANK
(unaware of Raven's presence at the machine) There's a customer in here! I want this suit altered, can you do that for me? We'll take you now. (goes to mirror; Raven covers herself with blanket) There's a maniac out there trying to get me! And now I think I'm seeing her everywhere...(paranoid, he walks out)

RAVEN
OK...(rips herself free from the machine) Yes!

VICTOR
(entering) Hello?

RAVEN
No!

VICTOR
Um, are you the seamstress?

RAVEN
(not sure what to say) Ci...

VICTOR
Great...um, do you speak English?

RAVEN
Ci...

VICTOR
OK...do you understand what I need you to do?

RAVEN
Sew.

VICTOR
Right then...can we get started?

Raven walks over to Victor, who is now standing in front of the mirror, and starts mucking around with the back of his suit.

RAVEN
Ci...

VICTOR
Aargh, great...this is a nice suit, isn't it?

RAVEN
Ci...

VICTOR
What's your name?

RAVEN
Sue...

VICTOR
Sue? How it figures. So, Sue, when will the suit be ready?

RAVEN
Six...

VICTOR
(looks at watch) Six? Whoaw, that's wonderful. So, am I done?

RAVEN
Shoe!

Raven ushers him down, and it is revealed that a game of noughts and crosses have been embodied into Victor's shirt.

VICTOR
(walking into dressing room) Shoe? Shoe? OK, well I'm going to take this suit off, and leave it in the dressing room. Um, see you soon, Sue?

RAVEN
Who?

VICTOR
Um, you, Sue?

RAVEN
Ci…(gives a thumbs up)

Raven takes a sigh of relief, as Victor turns away.

***

At the purchases counter, Cory unloads a pile of clothes. Victor is beside him.

CORY
Check it out, dad. So how did I do?

VICTOR
That's a lot of stuff, Cory.

CORY
Don't worry dad, you know why? Cause everything was on sale. And I even got some regulars. (holds the underwear up; the girls from before walk past laughing) What? These aren't mine, I'm holding them for a friend!

VICTOR
Nice cover son. But you know what, you did a good job shopping. I think you might be ready to go solo.

CORY
You mean it, dad? Seriously? You mean no more father and son annual shopping trip?

VICTOR
Yeah, it's the end of a tradition. I'm 'gonna miss it.

CORY
Yeah, me too dad. It was fun. (turns away) Yes!

VICTOR
But, on the plus side, I'm happy to report that I have to such responsible kids.

Raven runs past in a hurry covering herself with the blouse. She runs to the service desk and cuts in line.

RAVEN
Oh, excuse me. (Frank turns around wide-eyed)

FRANK
My nightmare continues.
RAVEN
(fake laughter) Nice to see you again too, Frank.

FRANK
It's...whatever...

RAVEN
I'd like to return this shirt please.

FRANK
Really? Is there a problem with it?

RAVEN
No, not at all. It's in PERFECT condition.

FRANK
Well if it's perfect, why do you want to return it?

RAVEN
Um, because...it wasn't exactly...really, what I was looking for.

FRANK
Very well. (takes blouse)

RAVEN
Really? That's it? I can get my money back? (indistinct 'yes' from Frank; screech from Raven)

FRANK
Aargh, don't dance yet. What you need to show me, to get your money back, is a receipt.

RAVEN
(feeling all over) Huh? Reciept? ...I don't think I have a receipt...

FRANK
No receipt? Well, I only have one word for you. (throws blouse at her) NEXT!

RAVEN
(to the girl behind her) Aargh, argh, no, girl! (to Frank; feeling through blouse) Actually, I left it in the pocket, now that I think about the situation, let me just get it for you because I really...need to give you this top back, I just wish I could get…(takes out a tiny piece of paper)...the receipt! Here it is. (shows it to Frank) Right here.

FRANK
That's it?

RAVEN
It would appear so. It must've, you know, shrunk when I washed it...

FRANK
Did you...

RAVEN
I had to get rid of the stain.

FRANK
The stain?
Victor and Cory walk over.

VICTOR
Raven?

RAVEN
Dad?

VICTOR
What are you doing here?

FRANK
I'll tell you what she's doing here, she's trying to pull the wool over my eyes, she wore this...she stained it, she washed it, she shrunk it, and now she has the mordacity to come and try and return it!

RAVEN
(whimper) Fronk, why??

VICTOR
Raven, is this true?

RAVEN
(Frank closed in on her; guiltily she speaks) Ci...

Victor gives her an angry look.

***

Raven is in the kitchen, hand washing dishes. There are stacks and stacks lined up against the sink. Victor is standing, with crossed arms, watching her carefully.

RAVEN
Dad, how many more dishes do I have to do? (places the latest clean dish on top of the pile)

VICTOR
Well, let's see. Shirt cost me a hundred dollars, plus a hundred dollars for the calculator, and at a nickel a plate, you'll be done by...(laughs)...you'll be done by the time you finish college.

Raven shares a quick "fake" laugh with Victor, and as she turns back to the sink when he walks away it eventuates into a whimper...

END CREDITS

That's So Raven © Walt Disney. No infringement is intended through the transcription of this episode originally written by Edward C. Evans.

3x29 - Food For Thought

In the locker hallway, Raven and Chelsea stand together as crowds of people rush by. They stop Eddie as he passes.

Chelsea: Hey, Eddie where's everyone going?

Eddie: Oh, to the cafeteria.

Raven: Our cafeteria? (slight laughter) People are normally running away from that place.

Eddie: Yeah...well I heard some new company's taken over our whole school lunch program.

Chelsea: Hey, I bet it's because of my letters! I wrote to the school board and I asked them to serve us healthier foods. I also asked for solar-powered pencil sharpeners, um, rubber animals for the science lab, and...herbal soap for the locker rooms. Or was that my letter to Santa?

Eddie: Can we just get to the cafeteria please!

They continue onto the cafeteria, to find that it is now full of fast-food traders.

Chelsea: Huh, what is all this?

Eddie: I'll tell you what it is.

They lights are dimmed off, and a spotlight shines on the particular merchant as they are spoken by a heartened Raven:

Raven: Miles of Meat...Chicken Chunkies...Crispy Town...Sugarville Express...it's paradise!

***
OPENING CREDITS
***

Raven, Eddie and Chelsea pace to the front of the food court – standing opposite a large desk sectioned against the wall.

Eddie: Man, a food court in school? This is just like being at the mall, ya'll!

Raven: Man, if they put a shoe stall in the gym I may never go home.

Chelsea: But come on you guys, it's all junk food.

Eddie: I know, Chels! That was my letter to Santa.

A fanfare sounds, as the desk is pushed forward and Harold, the guard marches to the front.

Harold: Welcome to the new Bayside Food Court, the honourable Judge Foodie presiding, all fries.

Judge Foodie takes the seat at the desk as the students stand from their seat.

Judge Foodie: This food court is now in session. And thanks to your good friends at Transinfinity Farms, I hereby rule that lunch time is now fun time! (loud applause from the students; Chelsea looks disturbed) Now remember kids, that this is a trial program, and you are the jury. And in two weeks, you will get to vote on whether or not the food court stays in session.

Raven: Well I'm sure we all came to a verdict when I say, let's eat!

The students cheer her on, but Chelsea cuts it all off.

Chelsea: I OBJECT!

Depressed sighs from the students sound.

Raven: Oh, man, Chels! What now.

Chelsea: Well I am sorry, but I don't see any healthy choices.

Judge Foodie: Well, that's because you haven't seen our nutritious salad crispies!

She hands Chelsea a plate of crisipies which is covered by a sheet of deep fried lettuce.

Chelsea: Um – this lettuce is deep fried.

Judge Foodie: But, you admit, it's lettuce.

Chelsea: Well, yeah, but –

Judge Foodie (cutting Chelsea off): Case closed! Now, will everyone place their orders in the court!

Raven: CHICKEN CHUNKIES!

The students all run to their selected destinations, and Chelsea watches them with a worried expression on her face.

***

Cory is on the phone in his room as Tanya enters.

Cory (on phone): No, no. Sorry William, no can do. My schedules jammed. You're going to have to play catch, by yourself. Alright, bye.

Tanya: Cory, honey, I know you're busy, but have you made time for your homework?

Cory: Homework? Mom, I barely have time to play catch with William.

Tanya: Cory, I hate to nag, but here it comes – did you forget about your history assignment on the gold rush? It's due in just a few days.

Cory: Oh, no, I didn't forget. It's on my things to remember list...now, if I could just remember where I put that...

Tanya: Cory, you've got too many things going on, you have to set your priorities straight, get organized.
Cory's phone rings.

Cory: Hold on, mom. Hold that thought, it's Tokyo.

Tanya: Tokyo, the city? In Japan?

Cory: Yeah, you know, I got the hook-up on a new game ball game – Extreme Golf Attack, 22.

Cory answers the phone and greets the person on the other end in Japanese.

***

Back at school, in the food court, Eddie brings his plate over to the table and joins Chelsea. Chelsea has her own packed lunch with fruit.

Eddie: Thank you Judge Foodie for making this the best week of my life! Hey Chels, check out my maxi-sized onion ring! (holds it to his head)

Chelsea: Eddie, come on, that onion must've been bigger than your head.

Eddie: Yeah!

Raven sits down with her tray. She has a giant hot dog on hers.

Chelsea: Rae, what are you eating?

Raven: Well, I maxi-sized my hot dog. Why have a foot long when you can have a yard long?

Chelsea: Argh, because no human should have a yard of anything.

Raven: Aargh, Argh, Chels! Look at this. This is three feet of weeniry goodness!

She drizzles the mustard across the Frankfurt inside the oversized bun, looking down on it dreamily. Eddie sits at the end staring at it with the same dreaminess evident on his face. Raven's eyes widen as she goes to bite into it from the left end – but then decides to go from them right end – finally deciding to bite in from the middle.

Eddie: Oh, man, my pants are getting a little tight. They must've shrunk in the wash or something.

Chelsea: Wait a minute, you just bought those, did you even wash them yet?

Eddie: No...they must have shrunk in the bag.

Harold: All fries, for Judge Foodie. The food court is now in session.

Judge Foodie (spins around at the desk): Is everyone loving our delicious Transinfinity Farms lunches?

The students cheer, besides Chelsea.


Judge Foodie: Well, because you find our lunches so appealing, I sentence you all to our now breakfast program. (Harold places a plate of pancakes garnished with chocolate sauce on Raven's table. A flag is sticking out of the top) Start your day with exhibit A! Chocolate-chip, chocolate-chunk pancakes with fudge flavoured sauce.

Chelsea: Wait a minute you guys, come on, we can't have dessert for breakfast.

Raven: Hey, hey, hey! (taps the table with spoon) The judge said we can! (cheeky smile as she digs down into the pancakes)

***

Cory is in his room, reviewing a resume. Beside him is sitting a man in his mid-20's.

Cory: Impressive resume.

Brad: Thank you. I majored in economics but I felt the minor in international banking would give me a competitive edge. (Victor, soon followed by Tanya, enter)

Cory: Son, I like the way you think.

Victor: Son, what's going on?

Brad (stands): Aargh, excuse me sir, but unless you have an appointment Mr Baxter is not available.

Victor inhales as he turns to exit, but then goes back.

Victor: Oh, wait a minute, I am Mr Baxter, this is Mrs Baxter! And who are you?

Cory: Mom, dad, say hello to Brad. I'm about to make him my new executive assistant.

Brad: Oh, I got the job! (puts down his case) Oh, thank you sir, I won't let you down. (shakes hands with Cory)

Victor (shakes hands with Brad): Congratulations...now get out!

Brad looks over at Cory.

Cory: Give us a minute, Brad.

Brad smiles and walks out.

Tanya: Cory, you are a child. Children do not have assistants.

Cory: Mom, you told me to get organized. That's what Brad does.

Victor: Cory, forget it. We are not going to pay some guy to schedule your play dates.

Cory: You don't have too. I'm going to pay him with my own money.

Victor: Oh, really...so how much does this job pay?

Tanya: Victor, you are not working for Cory!

***

Chelsea, Eddie and Raven walk into Raven's house through the front door.

Chelsea: I cannot believe you guys got F's on your maths test.

Eddie (tired): For your information I got a F+.

Raven and Eddie sit down tiredly on the couch.

Chelsea: What is happening to you guys?

Eddie: Hey, relax, Chels, OK. Have a porta pie. (takes a bag from his backpack)

Chelsea: The food court has take out now?

Eddie: Yeah! I got a jelly bean and a sausage. (feels through bag) Well argh, actually, I ate the jelly bean. (pause)...I ate the sausage too.

Raven: Don't worry Chels, we can study, with the new study snack pack. See, I got a pencil, a ruler, and six deep fried mozzarella sticks! (takes items from bag)

Chelsea: Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Raven: Huh?

Chelsea (smells ruler): This isn't a ruler, this is beef jerky with numbers on it!

Eddie and Raven argue for the beef ruler.

Raven (as Eddie ad-limbs): Don't touch my jerky! Get off my jerky!

Chelsea (ashamed): Look at you two, fighting over a beef ruler. We should go outside, you know. We should, we should get some fresh air, exercise.

Raven and Eddie look lazily over at the front door.

Raven: Oohh...that's too far.

Chelsea: Don't you guys see what this food is doing to you?

Raven inhales tiredly and struggles to get up from her seat.

Raven (through deep breaths): Like what? Trust me Chels, nothing is wrong with us, or this delicious food.

Raven turns away as she finds herself transfixed in a vision...

In her vision, she is in the school corridor watching Eddie and a group of friends walk by pigging out on junk food from the cafeteria.

Eddie: Hey, Rae.

As they walk upstairs, Raven sees in her vision that they have abnormally sized buts. Raven sees in the reflection of the classroom door that she too has an abnormally sized but – and as she tries to shake it some sequins fall off the back of her pants.

Cuts back to the present, Eddie is now half-asleep on the couch as Raven paces in a rushed panic.

Raven: Oh, I saw the future, and it was HUGE, it was like attack of the giant booties.

Chelsea: Really? W...what did you see?

Raven: The whole school was getting fat Chels, I'm talking about a lot of junk in the trunk, homie.

Chelsea: See, Rae, see now that could be your future if you keep eating at the food court!

Raven: You're right, Chels, I'm done with the food court. Starting with these cheese sticks.

Eddie wakes up from his sleep as Raven puts the food onto the coffee table.

Eddie (reaching out from couch; dreamily): Hmmm...cheese sticks...

With his eyes barely opened, he takes a bite from the cheese stick and the cheese stretches as it melts out from the middle.

Raven: Something must be done.

***

Raven and Chelsea are standing in the locker hallway watching others as they walk by with food from the cafeteria.

Chelsea: Rae, this is unbelievable! Come on, lunch period ended two hours ago and they're still 'packing it in!

Raven: These people don't know what that food is going to do to them. Somebody's 'gotta speak the truth. (calls) People, people! Listen to me, please listen to me. Put down the pies! Do not maximize. You 'got to exercise! Or the scales will rise, and so will your thighs!

Eddie (V/O calling): Who wants some fries?

The students run over and watch Eddie as fries come pouring out of a vending machine into a cup. Eddie has a face full of zits.

Raven: Hall fries?

Eddie: Yeah, isn't this great! Now snack time is anytime.

Raven: What's up with your face, 'you breaking out?

Eddie: It's just a couple of zits Rae, OK.

Raven: Oh, well homie, those zits called a couple more zits and now they're having a zit soiree.

Eddie (waving a fry in their face): Y'all sound ridiculous! I can stop eating anytime I want, OK.

Chelsea and Raven follow Eddie to his locker, when a food bag falls out.

Raven: Eddie!

Eddie's locker is revealed to be full of fast food items. He holds his hands up innocently.

Eddie: Hey, it's not mine, I'm holding it for a friend. (snatches the bag from Raven and closes his locker) A brother's got to eat.

As he walks off, Raven turns away into a vision...

The food court – Judge Foodie is talking onto the phone.

Judge Foodie: They voted yes. Now we're going to get our food into all the schools! We're going to make zillions! (laughter)

Cuts back to the present.

Chelsea: What'd you see?

Raven: Oh, my goodness, Chels. If this school votes yes to the food court, then Transinfinity Farms' is gonna put food courts into all schools.

Chelsea: No, no! We have to stop them.

Raven: Yeah, but how?

***

Cory is sitting on his chair in his room playing a loud hand-game. Brad is sitting at a small desk beside Cory, as his phone rings.

Brad: Cory Baxter Enterprises, Brad speaking. Argh, please hold. (to Cory) It's William, he wants his game back.

Cory: Tell him, that...I'm in a meeting.

Brad (into phone): He's in a meeting. (to Cory) He says he can hear it.

Cory: Handle it, Brad!

Brad (onto phone): He's...and you're...(crackling, hangs phone up)

Cory: Nice work.

Brad: Anything else?

Cory jumps up from his desk seat and starts pacing; Brad takes notes.

Cory: Oh, I have a report about the gold rush due tomorrow. It's worth about half my grade, so I was thinking, what...10 pages, pictures...hey, maybe even paint a rock gold. You know. Whoaw me.

Brad: Aargh, argh sir…I'm not very comfortable with that.

Cory: OK, you can do it at my desk.

Brad: No, no, I just meant...(stands)...see, I think homework should be your responsibility.

Cory: You just 'think'? OK, let's review your resume...(goes and gets the resume from his desk)...computer skills...fluent in French and Spanish...racquet ball? I don't see anything here about thinking!

Brad: I'm...I'm just saying, that education is very important, and well...if I do your homework, you won't do anything.

Cory: Listen, I didn't hire you to give me a lecture. (Victor and Tanya walk in) I got parents for that and they don't cost me a dime!

Victor: Excuse me?

Cory (turns away guiltily): Mother, father...I was just telling Brad here, how much your wisdom inspires me.

Brad: And I was just telling Cory, I quit.

Cory: Brad, buddy...you can't quit on me.

Brad: Sure I can! It's...It's one of my special skills.

Brad walks out, and Cory calls after him.

Cory: Come on, Brad. I mean, who's going to answer my phone? Who's going to do my chores? Who's 'gonna finish that report? (turns to his parents) Ya'll didn't here that last part, did you?

Tanya: Cory, you asked Brad to do your report on the gold rush?

Cory: I guess ya'll did hear it.

Tanya: Cory, it's due tomorrow. You were supposed to be working on it all week, now what are you going to do?

Cory: Hey, dad...argh, still interested in that job? I, argh...got an opening.

Tanya: Cory, get to work.

Cory: Yes, ma'am.

He sits down at his desk, and Tanya starts to go for the door.

Tanya: Come on Victor.

Victor stays looking at the desk for a while, Tanya stands waiting at the door.

Tanya: Victor?

Victor: Couldn't I just ask him how much the job pays?

Tanya signals with a wave of her hand for him to follow her along.

***

At the food court.

Harold: The food court is now in session, all fries for Judge Foodie.

As the students file in, Judge Foodie takes her place at the desk.

Judge Foodie (bangs hammer and they sit): Students. Are you ready to reach a verdict?

Eddie (through mouthful of food): Yes we are, your honour.

Judge Foodie: Now, I am sure you are all going to vote yes, to making the Transinifinty Farms food court your school's official nutritional provider. But, before we can celebrate, I'm supposed to ask if anybody objects. So, if there are any cooks, haters or weirdos out there who are apposed, speak up now. (pause; bangs hammer) Alright then! All in favour.

Raven and Chelsea come running to the front with a cart.

Raven: Hey, we object!

Judge Foodie: Seriously?

Raven: Yes. And before you guys vote there's a few things you need to know about the food court.

Judge Foodie: Oh, like how delicious our new cheese pump chicken chunkies taste?

Chelsea: No, like what's actually in your food.

Raven: Yeah, and what it's doing to us.

Chelsea: Yeah.

Judge Foodie (through laughter): What it's doing is making everybody happy.

Chelsea and Raven share a glare.

Judge Foodie (to the students): How many of you feel good when you eat food court food?

The student body all raise their hands; ad-liming comments like 'yeah'.

Raven: Yeah, but how many of you feel sluggish and weak a few minutes later?

Again, they all raise their hands.

Chelsea: Yeah, and how many of you think your pants are shrinking? (the students raise their hands) Yeah, they're not.

Raven: And how many of you think your faces are breaking out? (they raise their hands again)

Chelsea: Yeah, they are.

Eddie (joins them): Yeah, guys, but the food tastes so good!

Raven: Yeah, see now that's the thing. We did a little research.

Judge Foodie: Research? That sounds like school. Do you kids want to learn or eat?

Eddie: With all due respect, these are my friends and I'd like to hear what they have to say...then we can go eat. (sits back down)

Raven: Well, since we're in the food court, we might as well present the evidence. (Chelsea rolls the cart over) First and foremost, Transinifinty Farm is not even a farm. (holds up a photograph) It's a factory!

Judge Foodie: Oh that...well, that's just what farms look like nowadays. Yeah, we keep the sun out, to keep the freshness in.

Raven: Well, we took a couple of samples of the food and took them to the science lab, and this is what we got back. Here, is what a typical student has put in their body, since the food court has been in session. This much salt –

Chelsea: Exhibit A.

Chelsea takes a sheet off that is covering a bag of salt. The students' 'ohh' when they see this. Chelsea waves it around with a smile.

Raven: This much sugar.

Chelsea: Exhibit B.

Again Chelsea takes off a sheet to reveal a bag full of sugar, even bigger than the bag of salt. The students gasp in shock when Chelsea struggles to pick it up.

Raven: And this much fat...

Chelsea: Exhibit ...

Chelsea takes the sheet off to reveal an oversized bag of fat. She struggles to pick it up again, the students gasp.

Judge Foodie: Alright, I think we have seen enough – all in favour...

Eddie (jumps up): Of here what my home girls got to say, put ya'll hands up!

The students all put their hands up. Raven squeals over to Chelsea.

Raven: Oh, Chels, they're liking it. Time for our big finish!

Chelsea: OK, I'm on it.

Raven walks over and takes a hand to stand up on a table.

Raven: Thank you...All that salt, sugar and fat, makes our bodies want more salt, sugar and fat.

Judge Foodie: BORING!

Chelsea comes in with a helium tank.

Raven: And when we eat more we make it bigger and bigger.

On Raven's hand gesture, Chelsea starts pumping the helium into Raven's clothing.

Raven: You can eat junk food once in a while, but if you eat it all the time it can make you seriously sick!

Judge Foodie takes out her phone and rings someone.

Judge Foodie (on the phone): The kids are onto us, this is a disaster! This is 'gonna cost us zillions!

Raven: But, you have the power to vote no, and make it stop!

As Chelsea goes to turn the handle, it pops off.

Chelsea: Oh, now, that can't be good.

Raven: Chelsea, Chelsea, make it stop! To the right, to the right!

Chelsea: OK, Rae, but I don't really think it's going to work.

Chelsea turns the unconnected handle to the right. Raven starts to float into the air because of all the helium she now carries.

Raven: Chelsea! Chelsea, help!

Chelsea: Rae, you stop floating and down here right now. OK?

Chelsea pulls at the connection cord and it falls out of Raven's leg – and as the helium comes flying out, Raven is sent flying madly around the room in a mass of destruction, knocking signs and all over.

Raven (screaming): SOMEBODY HELP ME!! AARGHH!

Eventually, the helium runs out, and Raven comes flying down on top of Judge Foodie. Juge Foodie is knocked over, Raven stands up, her hair a mess.

Raven: I'm OK, I'm OK.

Raven helps Judge Foodie up.

Raven: Hey, how you doing. (goes to fix up Judge Foodie's hair)

Eddie: Judge Foodie – I find you guilty, of giving us food that's bad for us!

Raven: Food court! (bangs hammer down on table 3 times) Gotta go!

The students cheer on, as Harold takes his place in front of the desk again.

Harold: All fries, the food court is out of session.

Judge Foodie: Oh, Harold, just drop it!

Harold: Yeah, whatever...

As the students and the officials file away, Raven, Chelsea and Eddie stand together at the front.

Eddie: Well guys, I guess it's back to Mystery Meat Monday.

Raven: Why, why? I mean, isn't it possible to have good food that's also good for you?

Chelsea: Right on, Rae! Hey, all in favour, of organically grown macro-biotic, vegetarian...

Raven (cutting her off): Now you're just trippin' Chels.

Chelsea: Well, how about a salad bar and some normal sized veggie burgers?

Raven: Chels, that – that actually sounds pretty good.

She smiles, and the three of them walk out.

***

Victor and Tanya are sitting on the couch, and switch off the television as they hear Cory approaching from downstairs.

Victor: Hey, wasn't Cory supposed to get his gold rush project back today?

Cory quickly turns to go back upstairs, but Tanya turns to him.

Tanya: Hold up there, mister.

Cory: Oh, hey guys. OK, before I tell you what grade I got, remember – I did the whole thing, in one night...with no help.

Tanya and Victor look suspiciously at each other.

Victor/Tanya: D.

Cory: Man, you guys are good.

Victor: Well at least you did it by yourself.

Cory: Yeah, with no help from Brad.

Tanya: Oh, speaking of Brad, he called before.

Cory: Oh, really. Does he want to come back to work?

Tanya: No, he said to watch the Yolanda Jenkins Show, at 4.00.

Victor switches the TV back on.

Yolanda: Welcome back. We're talking to former assistants about their abusive bosses.

The camera turns to reveal Harold, from the food court.

Harold: Judge Foodie. She wasn't even a real judge.

Brad: Yeah? At least your boss wasn't a 12 year old monster!

Yolanda: That must've been terrible.

Brad: Yes. I'm writing a book about it but argh, so far all I have is the cover. (takes a book from the table) My week...with the beast!

On the front cover there is a picture of Cory pointing out with a sinister glare on his face. It cuts back to the Baxter living room.

Cory: Hey on the plus side, you know that's a pretty good picture of me. (he strikes the pose as seen on the book cover)

END CREDITS

That's So Raven © Walt Disney Company

No infringment is intended by the transcription of this episode originally written by Marc Warren.